Thank you for your very kind words!

I do not feel like a success. That I am alive today to type this note is either an accident of fate or some some loving deities plan. I do not and can not know.

I know few things for sure, one of them is that my failure to take responsibility for my own well being, my unconscious path through life caused tremendous suffering to more people then I will ever know.

Of those closest to me who counted on me, who loved and sacrificed so much for me none suffered more than my wife and children.

I was hauled off to prison by a SWAT team while my children watched “Kung Fu Panda” in the media room.

My wife was left sobbing at the local jail contemplating her life without her husband and her children’s father. They would loose their homes and be forced on to public assistance.

All because I failed to ask questions. I didn’t want to do anything. I want a magic pill. Sadly it was all too easy to find a doctor (first one I saw actually) who would give it to me.

If all that I have detailed could happen to me; a rich, prominent white male, in the prime of his life, living the American Dream it can and does happen to anyone and everyone.

I do not think there is that much unique about me. I think I lived my life unconsciously. I think I made few actually decisions. I think I acted predominantly off of my emotions. I think I pursued what society had programmed me to pursue.

If my life is to make sense at all it is as an example to others of what not to do. Please if you are reading these words do not stumble unconsciously through life. To be conscious is painful yes, but there are moments of joy interspersed here and there.

To be unconscious is to feel and cause suffering pointlessly.

I did not cause all this destruction on my own. I had enablers; unquestioning, unconscious and sometimes arrogant health care providers.

If I survive my grief I will do what I can to deliver a wake-up call to the mental healthcare system.

There are a handful of special providers who are making a difference, Mayo Clinic is one of them. Being a member of this community has given me purpose and yes, kept me from pulling the trigger more often than I care to admit.

To those who direct Mayo Clinic; there is so much more that can be done. Do not stop at anything to help.

My guess is that in our society there is not a soul who does not suffer from some form of what we now call mental illness but I choose to think of as soul sickness.

I now know for me there is no greater power in the universe than love. Love writ large. The kind of love that can give me the courage to embrace my demons and see them for what they are; my broken spirit.

Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to read my words and reflect on what they mean to you.

I am one person. But I believe my experience is everyone’s experience to one degree or another. I am not special in anyway. Everyone can heal!

I hope everyone (including me) find the peace they deserve.