Do you work with a therapist, a professional who is trained in cognitive behavioral therapy? CBT is a tool that helped reshape me through a lot of rebuilding of my mindset. Who in your life would be a good accountability partner for you?

I understand that conflict of emotion. Who i was ... was different . I had to adjust to that over the years.
After my last set of surgeries I found another IV site I hadnt noticed for the first day or two. Despite being covered in multiple incisions etc, this unsettled me. While I appreciated not having to go thru multiple IVs , it felt very dis-empowering . The whole process of cancer can be
I try to look at those emotions and process why I feel that way. Loss of control is a big part for me , I have learned. So I find ways to try and mitigate that a little. Being informed, making sure I'm part of the decision making process, being responsible to do what I can to heal . Not just physically, but emotionally, mentally and spiritually. My faith foundation, my family connections, feeling useful, Ive found all of those are huge in my healing .
It's finding what is for you. Praying you are doing better!