Hi there, I'm so sorry to hear your words of despair. You can dump here anytime. It's completely understandable why you feel the way you do and are in a hole. Sometimes when we're so lost in our minds we stifle our growth and problem solving skills to see our way out . You have been challenged and overcome quite a lot, be proud of that, be kind to yourself. While I have never had cancer, I do live with chronic pain condition which caused me to lose my career just like you and question who I was and what my purpose is. This rebuilding process takes time and small steps towards finding yourself again. Sometimes the calm after the storm is when we really get lost but please know that through every bad storm the sun always comes out again. Can you think of one small thing that you can do today that may begin forward motion again for you to realize that you count, you matter, and you will get through this temporary setback ?

I feel for you, and everything you've written -- about how much you're struggling and how bad you feel -- makes perfect sense, given that you've been through intense trauma.

Fwiw, I think that developed nations discourage people from acknowledging the intensity of their traumatic experiences, for various reasons related to consumer culture and keeping the economic machine going. But you HAVE been through trauma, and you need to be clear with yourself about that (as in, "After all I've been thru, it's logical that I can't really function well in the short term"), and kind to yourself as you gradually heal.

I'm not suggesting that you stop taking antidepressants, but they aren't the solution. An adjunct during a terrible time, yes, but not the solution. You need to be able to cry out your feelings and shriek out your feelings in a safe space, with a licensed, experienced therapist. And I wonder whether EMDR (a therapy to address trauma) could help.

Can you talk with someone at the hospital where you've received cancer care? Mine has a dedicated social worker, for ex., who has guided me toward some useful resources. And the Psychology Today website lets you search for therapists by geographic area, but keep in mind that you're better off getting a recommendation for a therapist from someone who knows, or has worked with, the therapist.

Finally, if your insurer is being a jerk and is refusing treatment that you need, call the office of one of your US senators and ask to talk to someone who handles health-care problems -- that person might be able to advocate for you.

I believe that better times are ahead for you; I believe that based on my own ups and downs for most of my life (I'm 62) and based on the reality that every living creature is built to heal. (Yeah, we all break down at some point, but I think you're not there yet.)

I am so sorry you are struggling. You have had trauma after trauma. Your body has gone through a lot. You have gone though a lot. I recognize some of the same losses in my cancer journey. Loss of normalcy, loss of who I was, loss of who I thought I was going to be and how life would be. Loss of my self confidence and self suffecincy. But your reactions are a normal response to all these challenges. I experienced periods of low motivation and I guess loss of hope.
I believe you can find your way thru this. You've come so far already and survived such hard times.
You have a lot of good suggestions for you already, and I echo them, find someone to talk honestly with, get out in nature even if it's only to sit in the sun.
Do something you enjoy... create something... something new. Paint, write use you creative parts. Journal if it helps... I did one word journals ... just one word to describe how I felt at that moment . It helped me process and took little energy .
You'll have to be brave some more... just to make yourself do these... but you've got this!
Prayers for you !