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← Return to Failures - how do you cope?
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Your story is very inspiring and very heartbreaking as well. If my son read it, his reaction would be to think that, given his experiences and situation which are no where near as dire as yours have been, he has no “reason” to be so despondent and depressed. So the guilt of being fortunate enough to have a mother (me) to provide for him and help out his son and ex-wife and, while feeling grateful for that, nonetheless makes him feel that much worse about how he feels! It’s almost as if he feels he doesn’t “deserve” to be depressed even though he knows this is a legitimate illness and it colors everything that he sees, distorts his perceptions, etc. It’s so complicated and he can be so kind to others and empathize but can’t find the forgiveness in himself for himself. Six years ago he spent a month at Sierra Tucson in the mood disorder program and the sign at their entrance says “Expect a Miracle.” I had that put on a wooden sign that now hangs in our home so I continue to hope…
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My heart goes out to you and the entire family because this sounds really challenging and painful, and almost like it is becoming compounded over time (please accept my apology if I have that wrong - I mean no judgement or offence, and know I say it from where things look from the ‘outside’ based on what I have read here in the parts of your story you’ve kindly shared) ❤️🩹
Breaking cycles of guilt and unworthiness that are crippling is very hard. I have seen this in other people I’ve known who have said they feel like ‘total failures’ and don’t deserve anything like good things because they had certain expectations (from various sources, including perceived) that were not considered by them to be met for whatever reason, and now they can’t gather the strength and resilience needed to come out from all that guilt and strong sense of failure leading to complete breakdown of self worth, and the emotional changes it has brought on them (depression, anxiety, phobia, for instance) which have led to a loss of function and participation in society.
The answer? I don’t know.
But what I do know is that (using my own example here, as an illustration) actively using brain power to change the inner narrative to one that rejects any thought that puts yourself down, and replacing it with one that is positive is a kind place to start. That’s not easy, and it sounds like a fake thing to do - but the challenge to that is that consistently reinforcing negative impressions of who you are and what you might not have accomplished is just as ‘fake’ because nobody knows the future, whether they will meet their own expectations no matter what kind of background or life or family support they had, so to be harsh to oneself for not achieving something that wasn’t a guaranteed outcome anyway is not consistent with what actually happens: we go along in life and try our best but sometimes ‘s*** happens’ that we have no control over or our decision making wasn’t well enough informed to make the right calls. A part of life that no individual should really feel awful about themselves for, I believe.
I hope this lands well - know it comes from care and support for the situation you guys are facing 🙂