@samclembeau , I've been binge-reading advice columns lately, and one thing that stands out is that most of us aren't as clear as we *think* we are or as we need to be. (A concrete ex.: Years ago I worked at a video store, and the owner impatiently told a new hire to check out a customer who was by the register. What the owner -- who'd been doing this for years -- didn't realize is that our check-out procedure consisted of ten steps, none of which had been explained to the new hire.)

So when I read "People mean well, but don’t hear you when you say thank you, but no thank you. I love you, but please don’t help me," I thought: They *do* hear you, but they hear you through a filter that's not identical to yours. For ex., many people are taught that when someone else says "No" they don't really mean "no."

I encourage you -- I encourage all of us -- to be super-clear: "You're very dear to me and I deeply appreciate your offer to come over, but that won't work for me, because it means I'll feel compelled to clean the house, and please don't tell me I don't have to -- the point is that I'll *feel* compelled, and you can't change that. So instead let me suggest a few concrete things that would help, and if you can do any of them, then let's put them on our calendars. And thank you!"

If I've violated the spirit of this thread by offering advice, I apologize profusely; it pains me to read about others feeling hurt or angry or crestfallen because they're not receiving what they want or need during a difficult time, and that's why I've proceeded thus. It's OK to ask for what we need, and it's OK to set boundaries and say "no" -- and, neither of those will work if we're aren't 100% clear when we ask for help or set boundaries. Best wishes.