Hi @hon0105
I can well understand your feelings and questions as I also went through the same experience at the start of my epilepsy treatment in 2019 and 2020. In those years I had those questions "When will I have again a normal life?", "When will I feel ok again" , "When will I have my seizures under control?" and so on.
Through the help of my neuropsychologist, I saw I was on the wrong way. My life had changed and would not go back to what it was before. I had to accept it. Acceptance was crucial to smile again, something I have worked much with my neuropsychologist on my sessions.
Another thing that helped me much in the process of acceptance was to be treated by a good epileptologist and not just a neurologist. I had terrible experiences with the 5 AEDs I have tried in 2019 and 2020. Some did control my seizures, but the side effects were terrible and I ended up ill in bed. Others made my seizures worse. When I changed to my current epileptologist in 2021, he said that I had refractory epilepsy and tried medical cannabis to reduce my seizures. My seizures got reduced in number and intensity. I have also NO bad side-effects with medical cannabis, just a bit of somnolence in the afternoon that I solve with a yoga nidra practice and some nap. I do also control my seizures through a gluten-free diet (reduction of 60% of my seizures), management of my seizure triggers, exercise, and yoga. I still have an average of 2 focal seizures per month. But I prefer to have them instead of taking an AED and being in bed most of my time, though I know that seizures with time can undermine our cognitive reserve. With a more normal life, I started a new graduation, finding a new meaning in my life.
Today, I see my epilepsy more as a friend than as an enemy. A seizure shows me I have not respected my body. Most of my seizures are caused by a lack of enough and good sleep and stress. My epilepsy has taught me so many good things that I would not have learned otherwise. Some time ago, I have written a post here in our group about that, in case you are interested:
https://connect.mayoclinic.org/discussion/positive-experiences-through-epilepsy/
Do please find a good neuropsychologist who will help you in this difficult moment you are going through. Most of us, I understand, went through this experience.
My best wishes to you!!!
Chris (or Santosha)