@noncommutativedepression Thank you for coming to Mayo Clinic Connect to share this very painful and personal information.

I’ve been in a Ph.D. Program. I had my first major depressive episode shortly after I finished my baccalaureate degree when I was in my mid-20’s. I had panic attacks during and after my doctoral program. I’m now 71-years old and so with a lot of therapy and many hours of retrospection I realize that my mood and anxiety changes were due to relationships I was in during the time I was a student and a postdoctoral fellow. This is all by way of saying that I really do understand what the extreme expectations and unrelenting pressures of doctoral work and life in academia feels like.

I’m going to offer some advice so please sit down with your favorite hot beverage (a cup of tea, perhaps) and let me share. Please, please, do not take anything such as Adderall that is not prescribed for you from a physician. It’s possible that what you took is not what the seller said it was and your body and mind are too precious to ingest something that has an unknown source. What you described could very well be a panic attack. I don’t want to see you develop panic disorder in which you have even more symptoms and begin to isolate and not function in the life that you treasure and love. Please make an appointment with a physician and share your symptoms. The first place to start at this point is to make sure there is nothing physically going on. Then, make an appointment with a psychotherapist. If there are therapists on your campus you can find out if you can have a virtual visit. Or a phone visit as a start. This isn’t about whether you are motivated to do this. It’s about your Willingness to take care of yourself.

If you do decide that medication could be helpful then this is something to talk with the physician about. In the state where I live (Michigan) only licensed medical professionals (physicians, physician assistants and nurse practitioners) are allowed to prescribe. Psychologists and other mental health professionals are not allowed to prescribe medications but they can make recommendations and work with your doctor.

You are the most important person in your life. You must be a very bright and intellectually capable individual to be accepted into a Ph.D. Program. If you need to take a leave of absence for a period of time to work on yourself then it is possible to do that in most universities. This is something you can talk to the Dean of Students of the Dean of your Division (College of Math and Sciences?). There are many resources for you at your university.

Now that I’m finished with my advice what questions do you have what else would you like for me to know about you? What are willing to do to care for yourself?