Tell them to come to my house.

I've got walls that need painting, a yard that needs raking, carpets that need cleaning, pots that need scrubbing...

I’m in your camp. I’m a recovery team of one and if I need help, I prefer to hire someone who will come in, complete the task, and leave.

I had lung surgery this year to remove a small nodule and it was frustrating to me that the doctor assumed if I have family in the area, they would come in and change my bandage over my chest tube wound. Seems they removed the chest tube prematurely and I had copious drainage. I had to chastise him that I preferred home health and was not leaving the hospital until he ordered a case manager to arrange home health visits. They came, changed the bandage, took a couple of vitals, were pleasant and left.

When my family came I let them help me put fresh sheets on the bed. They brought lunch so we ate and I convinced them I was fine. They went home and we were both relieved.

I realize it sounds unusual but I really prefer to be sick or wounded in solitude.

@samclembeau , I've been binge-reading advice columns lately, and one thing that stands out is that most of us aren't as clear as we *think* we are or as we need to be. (A concrete ex.: Years ago I worked at a video store, and the owner impatiently told a new hire to check out a customer who was by the register. What the owner -- who'd been doing this for years -- didn't realize is that our check-out procedure consisted of ten steps, none of which had been explained to the new hire.)

So when I read "People mean well, but don’t hear you when you say thank you, but no thank you. I love you, but please don’t help me," I thought: They *do* hear you, but they hear you through a filter that's not identical to yours. For ex., many people are taught that when someone else says "No" they don't really mean "no."

I encourage you -- I encourage all of us -- to be super-clear: "You're very dear to me and I deeply appreciate your offer to come over, but that won't work for me, because it means I'll feel compelled to clean the house, and please don't tell me I don't have to -- the point is that I'll *feel* compelled, and you can't change that. So instead let me suggest a few concrete things that would help, and if you can do any of them, then let's put them on our calendars. And thank you!"

If I've violated the spirit of this thread by offering advice, I apologize profusely; it pains me to read about others feeling hurt or angry or crestfallen because they're not receiving what they want or need during a difficult time, and that's why I've proceeded thus. It's OK to ask for what we need, and it's OK to set boundaries and say "no" -- and, neither of those will work if we're aren't 100% clear when we ask for help or set boundaries. Best wishes.