How do you respond to offers of help?

I wouldn't know.

When I had a stroke, I didn't get any offers of help.

More than half the people I emailed/texted about the stroke never responded at all. (I couldn't call them because my speech was pretty slurred initially.)

In all fairness, most of them live far away, but still.

That is a great question. About 14 months ago I received a diagnosis of rare aggressive cancer. Many offers of help. Offers of food were not useful--I wasn't eating much, my husband has always done food shopping & cooking as something he loves and didn't want to delegate. People left casseroles we ended up throwing out or passing to other people.
However, I came up with an idea. I set up committees.
There were two "real" ones--my actual support committee (husband, grown daughter, best friend) and an "ethics committee" composed of a spiritual support group I've long been a member of. This was for emergencies, hospitalizations, clergy visits, which I have not yet needed but is still in place.
Otherwise: a friend set up a prayer committee, and different people joined. The recommended reading is my fave--I get books & suggestions.
One committee has only one person on it--a therapist friend. This is the "please tell me if I'm acting crazy committee." So far so good!
Then, "Friends & Family Committee"--they get emails, updates, and are on-call for problems. Includes a close neighbor and a friend who is a palliative care nurse. They actually consult from time to time.
So maybe a bit silly, but very friendly, and it works! I really look forward to more comments. So important.

@scottrl, what do you wish people would've said had they responded? What would've been helpful for you? Or your family?

This time, we haven't had anyone offer help. We're doing OK, so that's not a problem. Our adult kids have pitched in when they've been home, doing dishes and some cooking. Years ago, when I had chemo for ovarian cancer, we had a lot of help, primarily with meals. The teachers at my kids' school set up a week of meals that they delivered in the carpool line. Another group of friends brought food and homemade cookies after every cycle. The least successful was a neighborhood group whose food (sorry!) just wasn't that good. (We still remember one casserole in particular.) I think the thing I miss most is having contact with co-workers who I last saw in April. I didn't expect to be "dropped" so quickly by people who I've known for years. But you can't make people respond, of course.

What a wonderful idea! You get the help you can actually use and your friends and family actually feel like they are helping you! I am so impressed!
P

I was lucky to get the inspiration!

That had to be very hurtful to not even get acknowledgment of what you were going through. I appreciate that they were far away, but as you said, still.............a response, an acknowledgement would have been supportful. Had I been on the receiving end of your email/text, I am pretty sure I would have responded. I'm sorry you went through that. 🥹 You deserved more.
P`

I’m fortunate that until recently I’ve never needed physical help. My instinct is to crawl in a closet and come out when I’m better. And I assume that real friends will sort of know what I might need.
Years ago I had back surgery and my surgeon said I couldn’t do stairs for a week. The bathroom was on the same level as my bedroom, so I was upstairs. For a week, one of my neighborhood friends walked in with a picnic basket with all the food and drink I would need until my husband got home from work, brought it upstairs, and sat it beside my bed. . They didn’t ask, and it was a godsend.

I got the help I needed changing surgical dressing recently from home health. But I’m not likely to ask for anything specific from friends or family.

That's a good question, Colleen.

Initially, I was 300 miles from home when I had the stroke, so I couldn't expect anyone to drop by and cheer me up.

But communication -- just an answer to an email or text -- would have been nice. It's *very* lonely to lie in a hospital bed day after day with no one to communicate with. (My wife was with me of course, but she was busy during the days with bureaucratic stuff. At one point she had to get back home to look after the house, pay bills, etc.)

As time passed, and once I got back home, the isolation became more pronounced. I was in a lot of pain and couldn't sleep, so I would have been lousy company, but damn, I could have used some distraction. (For that matter, I still could. Just someone to come by and take me to lunch, for example.)

Overall, I think it's been harder on my wife. Although she gets more social contact, she still has to be about 95% of my social life. She loves me, but she desperately needs a break now and then. I should get out on my own more often, but I don't really have anyplace to go.

Things are getting better, but I feel as though I didn't have a stroke, but leprosy -- someone to be avoided at all costs.

When I get a contact from someone who says, "Hey, just wondering how you're doing," it makes my day. Hardly ever happens.

It's not all bad, and I don't want to sound self-pitying. I'm making my YouTube videos, and I had an invitation to talk to grad students at TCU last month, so I'm making progress. People tell me my recovery story is inspirational, and I hope I can share it with many others. But sometimes it feels like pushing a rope.

That's way beyond your question, but I hope it helps clarify things a bit.

Thanks for starting the topic, @colleenyoung

There were a lot of offers of help at first when I was in hospital with a new cancer diagnosis and paralysis due to spinal compression.

Everyone means well at the time, but my suggestion is to wait a few weeks and see who sticks around once your illness isn't the latest news any more (most won't). I have one friend and colleague in Romania (I'm in Canada) who kept checking in with me every week, month after month, to see how I was doing, long after the initial cards and get-well gifts and frozen meals for my spouse (who was going back and forth from home) had been packed away. You'll end up with a small circle of people like that who are in it for the long term and speak with actions instead of words, and they're your bedrock going forward.