Hi neri47,
First, I get the "blame" issue. Of course, if we are unfortunate to suffer so much with our mental health as adults we go back to our parents/childhoods. And, again, unfortunately emotional abuse during our formative years so very hard to overcome (but can be). But you are no longer a child. Regrets from the past we all have, hands down. But what are you gaining from reliving then again and again? A happier mind for yourself NOW? A sense of wonderful mental well being NOW? You are hurting yourself again and again. I know the mind is so very complex. Even the very best of psychiatrists and neurologists say this and so much is not understood about the mind/brain. Brain research is always on-going. New discoveries happening as we speak. But I more than understand you are operating with a "damaged" mind. There is no question. Just the fact you report trauma from your 1st marriage is enough to damage the mind. I speak from experience about this. My ex practically destroyed me with the conditions I lived under and accepted as "normal". They were anything but normal! Read "The Body Keeps the Score" (can't think of author right now). It is foremost the best book written on "trauma" - some experts think in the world to date. However it can read like a medical textbook so I found I could only read a few pages a a time. It will validate your statement "the mind is a complex thing". So right you are! Yes, your mind has been severely damaged. Accept this and more reason to give yourself a MAJOR break! You have been terribly wounded! Treat yourself with care now not more hurts! Love yourself, bit by bit. I know it is so very hard. But you can learn to treat yourself with love and kindness one day at a time, one moment at a time. Have faith, don't give up. Turn to your Higher Power who/whatever it may be for support. Do what you must do, to live your best life. You more than deserve it!