I truly understand. I knew my family household was "not right" when I was under the age of 5 but being just a small child could never put my finger on "it". When I got into my 50s clarity began. And continues now that I am 68...like you, I think back to lots of stuff and knew how "wrong" it was...my immediate family all passed now. I always hoped to speak to my only sibling about it but he became developed cancer right after my mother died and was in no condition to talk. So he left me...without the 2 of us ever exploring what we experienced.
But here's the thing. My mother could only "give" what she was given and lost her mother at age 9. She and her sister raised by an alcoholic father until she left the home at age 17 to live with her then married sister who was only 19. Dysfunctionalism literally handed down through the generations. So I received what she received - nothing in terms of emotional love.
Ironically I did not repeat the pattern with my only now adult son. At least I hope so! He tells me no 🙂 If you can not forgive - as I sometimes can not - try to "understand" your parents.
Try to live in the moment. Don't "go back". Buddhism philosophy truly helped me (I am not a Buddhist) and I read several such books. There is no question my mental health disorders started in childhood. Someone told me the most important person in the world to love is YOURSELF. All love begins there and extends outward...a win-win situation. Make a list of self-soothing behaviors for yourself - i.e. meditation, yoga, a gratitude journal, inspiration readings, walks, spa treatments, music, hobbies, nature (I am now into birds 🙂 social activities YOU enjoy - whatever works for YOU. Is this all easy? Of course not but it is doable! You must try to remember THIS MOMENT is the only time we have now. We are members of the walking wounded club and the membership is strong! Being in the past is debilitating. You know this and is only taking away from your life NOW. Sounds like you have a wonderful husband. My husband is too - and he have a truly wonderful childhood. He doesn't "get it" either. So I understand for sure. Believe me, we are not alone. Our parents did what they did...I believe suffering emotionally themselves but the times were different then. Who went into therapy then? Who saw a psychiatrist back in "those days? No one. And we ended us suffering terribly.
Understand your parents. They were "lacking" in so so much. As they "lacked" within themselves and sadly their children paid the price. There is hope no matter how old you are!
You can STILL live a good life! You are alive right now, right? So there is time!
Life is precious...try try try to not waste another moment on the past.
Give yourself a MAJOR break. You deserve nothing less and all the Very Best!

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