Oh Bill - I do hope you are writing a book - you put thoughts into truthful words that are echoes of the lonely, lost, exhausted emotions of loving someone you are losing in an unbelievably painful manner. Today, when I thought my heart could not break anymore, it rips in another unforseen place and a new depth of loss is felt.
The problem experienced at the moment centers around others' unsolicited advice that is being made in the form of manipulative, silent demands. Family/friends that at one time promised to " walk this journey" have backed off with the idea that if they do not help with anything, then I will be forced into hiring help to come into our home. It is as if they are afraid if they help a little bit, then more will be expected. The church that I have attended and served in many capacities since I was 7 (61 years) has put our names on the prayer list, members have said "I will call you next week" (has never happened), offered to sit if needed (just more empty words) followed by the endless "suggestions" of places that might help. Or the statements, "When you realize that you need a facility in which to place him, then your life will be better," or " When you finally place him in a facility, then you will wonder why you didn't do it sooner," or " Your hubby is being well taken care of, but my main concern is you." All empty words. The best part is that I know they have their heart in the right place and say the right words but nothing is going to happen. No one can understand the loss and the loneliness of a beautiful life that slowly dissolves moment by moment - until the loss is personal - so I forgive and move on with a focus on my husband that is determined to finish strong. Recently I saw a sign with three words:
DETERMINE
COMMIT
SUCCEED.
I determined that I would walk this journey with faith and love, I am committed to embrace the unknown daily occurrences with strength and patience (some days are better than others, but I always know tomorrow is a clean slate), and the last goal is to succeed in loving him and taking care of him- even though he resembles the man I fell in love with so many years ago less and less- as he is, where he is, until the promise "till death do us part" is fulfilled by one of us.
Thanks again for putting into words your understanding, yet hurting heart that so many of us can embrace with an understanding unique to this journey.
Always,
Jan