I am so sorry for what you are going through. I think my experience might help you, at least I hope so.

Fifteen years ago I was prescribed an ungodly concoction of medication that it turns out I do not need. One of them was Wellbutrin, 450mg a day. I wasn't even that sick. I was down and fatigued but I was CEO of my own billion dollar investment firm. Married to the love of my life. We had four wonderful children and I was only 43.

Roll forward to this last June. I'm on fourteen different medications about half psych meds the rest medicines to treat my side effects. I have lost everything, my family, my freedom and the family fortune. I even ended up in prison for two and a half years. My birthday is the end of June and I had made plans to blow my head off with a shot gun. Yeah, this is all true.

I'm not sure why but after listening to a book "Brain Energy" I decided to do some digging into my diagnosis, something that kept changing depending on the doctor and the meds they had put me on.

I was horrified! All of my symptoms could easily be accounted for by the medication that that had been prescribed to me by doctor after doctor and my crappy lifestyle.

After a lot of research and debate I convinced my, psych provider, my therapists, my PCP and my parole officer that the meds were the problem. Long story short, from fourteen in June I am down to three, yes three. I feel the best I have in my life. One of them is Wellbutrin at 300mg, it will be gone in three weeks.

Wellbutrin is a stimulant. In prison the other inmates would try to get them from me so they could snort them. They called them "poor man's" cocaine, they are that stimulating.

I am going to be more direct than I usually am: Wellbutrin does not decrease anxiety. In my experience it can make it much worse. I was given Ativan to address my anxiety when what I needed was to reduce or get rid of the three stimulants I was on. Wellbutrin is not the worse for me, venlafaxine holds that distinction, thankfully it is gone.

By the way Ativan/Lorazepam is a much better medication for treating anxiety than any antidepressant. My doctor still prescribes it in case I needed it. Thankfully I do not.

How did all this happen. One arrogant doctor prescribed a level of medication that is termed "heroic" in the mental health care community.

One doctor after another took one look at what the previous doc did and rather than question it simply up the anti until my life was destroyed.

Worst of all I looked for answers in a pill for fifteen years instead of the doing the hard work of finding out what was wrong with me. I put off making lifestyle changes that my wife told me to fifteen years ago.

I believe all but the most extraordinary mental health care providers still believes it is some weakness in the patients character. I am not a criminal. I went to prison for assaulting someone (during a medication induced rage) who was destroying my family. Prior to and since then, I have never committed anything even resembling a crime.

Psych providers and all doctors for that matter do not want to believe mental illness could strike them or anyone they love, so it must be the patient. Not all, but many and I have seen the best and the worst, blame the patient. And I hate to say it but in my case, figured I was so far gone that it didn't really matter what they tried.

No health care provider has the time or to really know their patient, what they are suffering from and whether or not the treatment is the problem.

All of the information I found that has given me a chance at changing the narrative of my life, I found on page one of a Google search, Page One! Why didn't they know? There are lots of reason but I believe the system is simply broken.

To get better I had to take a hard look at my behavior. I sought pills as a solution to my problems. I ignored the nagging voice inside of me that kept telling me something was wrong. I ignored my loving wife when she told me to stop working so much, stop eating garbage, get more sleep and exercise.

I knew better.

My arrogance has caused the people I love, so much suffering they are unlikely to be able to completely heal from it. At least I now have a chance to help.

What did I do:

I didn't stop taking my medication until I finished my research and developed a plan with my doctors.
I completely overhauled my diet, the information is everywhere. I always new my diet was killing me. I just didn't care
I started exercising everyday. First a little bit now more like two hours, I feel good when I exercise so my body is the only limiting factor.

As the weight started coming off the side effects of decreasing the meds simply went away, gone!

I now try to eat a healthful diet and exercise everyday, even if it is just mowing the lawn. I try to sleep eight hours a day (tough in the beginning) work eight hours a day on my new business and I spend eight hours on what is now referred to as self care. For me self care is exercising, reading, writing, music and mediating but it really is whatever I need to feel good about myself.

It hasn't even been four months and I have hope back. I even have moments of Joy.

For me my motivation isn't to live a long time. I just want live long enough to make amends to those I've hurt.

Trust yourself. Ask questions. Do not accept foolish answers and for me I had to listen to the voice inside of me that knew all along what I had to do.

You will get better. You will know joy. You will know hope.

Hang on and fight!