I’m just tired

Posted by mattn @mattn, Aug 27, 2023

Hi, I am posting again, theres just a few more things I’d like to speak about and everyone was really kind to me last time so I feel less uncomfortable posting. So I guess I’ll start by saying that I feel unloveable, I feel gross and weird, I struggle with body dysmorphia and I really dislikr the skin I live in, everytime I try to start up a relationship I managed to fuck it up, and I’ve basically just off myself off from the possibility of finding someone because I feel like I’ll mess it up, I had a boyfriend when I was 18 and I was not good at being in a relationship with somone, I wasnt there emtionally and I’m scared that if by some miracle I do end in a relationship that I’ll end being that emotionally unavailable person I was, and I don’t want to put anyone through that, so maybe it is better for me to just be completely alone, even though that lonliness is eating me alive. I self sabotage in most anything I do because it gives some feeling of control in the sense that I feel like I can’t do something then I’d set myself to fail so then my mind can feel like it was in the right that I would fail, I feel the same in most every aspect of my life, and its tiring, and I also carry my own and the pain and trauma of others so they can just be a little bit happier to be alive, even if I cant. I guess I’m maybe just supposed to be unhappy and carry peoples pain, I dont mind doing that but I just I didn’t feel so awful and alone.

Thanks for listening

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buzz23 | @buzz23 | Sep 7, 2023

Hi,
How are you doing now?
Is there any way in which I (we) can help?

covidstinks2023 | @covidstinks2023 | Sep 7, 2023

How are you Matt? Prayers & Hope......

mattn | @mattn | Sep 7, 2023

In reply to @buzz23 "Hi, How are you doing now? Is there any way in which I (we) can help?" + (show)

Hi, I dont think there is anything you can do, maybe this is something I have to do on my own

dorma | @dorma | Sep 8, 2023

We cannot sink lower than our Heavenly Father will reach! HE is always, always there for us, no matter what our choices have been. It sounded like you have made mistakes that you feel can't be corrected...if I understand you correctly. But I KNOW that if we change our ways---sincerely---HE will throw those mistakes away! Short of cold blooded murder, or denying The Holy Spirit, you CAN make it right. God does love you!!! I hope, and pray that you can/will let Him help you.

sisyphus | @sisyphus | Sep 9, 2023

Hi Matt
the Mayo site https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/body-dysmorphic-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20353938 has NINE complications listed that aggravate BDD. Let's pick ONE, really that You think you CAN do SOMETHING about. Let's work on it, friend, I'm an equally flawed human but together we all can make a little difference in Each Other's life.
Honestly there are problems that I cannot -- and You and I Know what they are: mostly outside the control of ONE person, like wars raging around us, or homelessness issue, or even a 'neighbor from hell'. I think we don't have a intractable problem -- I can already see some easy-to-spot contradiction in your post that indeed you alone can find if u just had a double/ghost of yourself stopping you and ask: Is this claim true? And now have your 'real self' respond. It's actually called Critical Thinking (Clearer Thinking!) It helps smash your poor/inaccurate premises/assumptions. Until you get a truer picture of yourself. And then you can build whatever you wish to build your life for - with the gifts and strengths u have.

So I will wait for your response. Let's SEE before shooting the messanger!

samcal9977zz | @samcal9977zz | Sep 9, 2023

In reply to @mattn "Thank you for all the kind words, it really means alot, but I’m beyond saving, I’m..." + (show)

In 1982, I was a violent crime victim. I was kidnapped and held for a time. By 1983, I developed PTSD and severe insomnia. And, I became profoundly suicidal in 1983 and 1984.

So, a couple of things.

Depression distorts our thoughts. Our thoughts just become a product of bad brain chemistry.

You have to stop listening to the negative train of thoughts. It isn't real. It seems real, but it isn't real.

It is quite literally like being under the spell of a powerful drug. That is how powerful bad brain chemistry is and how powerfully it distorts our thoughts.

In 40 years of struggle, every wave of horrible thoughts eventually passes. I held a knife to my wrist and a bottle of pills to my mouth, very frequently, back in 1983 and 1984. But, every extremely negative wave passed eventually.

Ultimately, all we really have to do is hunker down and wait for the negative wave to subside.

I definitely believe in counseling. There is stigma attached to it. But really, all we are doing is having a conversation with a caring friend...who has some clearer idea of how to address problems.

I definitely believe in meditation, stress reduction and other techniques. These things have helped me tremendously.

Over the years I have met people in desperate situations, people with serious physical limitations and serious mental health issues, who also thought they were unlovable and could never find a partner.

I watched as they got into fulfilling relationships.

It may take some work and some time, but I personally witnessed amazing stories.

People don't share this readily, but fully 25% of the US population is disabled. Whatever we are going through, there are many, many people just like us. There is a community out there for us. A community that definitely includes people who can become our partners.

Not saying it is easy.

But there is always real hope.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-TALK (8255) is a 24-hour, toll-free, confidential suicide prevention hotline available to anyone in suicidal crisis or emotional distress. By dialing 1-800-273-TALK, the call is routed to the nearest crisis center in a national network of more than 150 crisis centers. The Lifeline's national network of local crisis centers provides crisis counseling and mental health referrals day and night.