I’m just tired

Posted by mattn @mattn, Aug 27, 2023

Hi, I am posting again, theres just a few more things I’d like to speak about and everyone was really kind to me last time so I feel less uncomfortable posting. So I guess I’ll start by saying that I feel unloveable, I feel gross and weird, I struggle with body dysmorphia and I really dislikr the skin I live in, everytime I try to start up a relationship I managed to fuck it up, and I’ve basically just off myself off from the possibility of finding someone because I feel like I’ll mess it up, I had a boyfriend when I was 18 and I was not good at being in a relationship with somone, I wasnt there emtionally and I’m scared that if by some miracle I do end in a relationship that I’ll end being that emotionally unavailable person I was, and I don’t want to put anyone through that, so maybe it is better for me to just be completely alone, even though that lonliness is eating me alive. I self sabotage in most anything I do because it gives some feeling of control in the sense that I feel like I can’t do something then I’d set myself to fail so then my mind can feel like it was in the right that I would fail, I feel the same in most every aspect of my life, and its tiring, and I also carry my own and the pain and trauma of others so they can just be a little bit happier to be alive, even if I cant. I guess I’m maybe just supposed to be unhappy and carry peoples pain, I dont mind doing that but I just I didn’t feel so awful and alone.

Thanks for listening

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geekygirl9 | @geekygirl9 | Aug 27, 2023

Hi, Matt. Guess what? The thought that you are unlovable is a lie. And I mean a real whopper! Jesus made you in His own image and likeness and you are infinitely, infinitely loved and infinitely valuable. I know your feelings have changed over time, but that has not, and it never will. 😀 Your body is a gift from Him, your sexuality is a gift from Him, and yes, you are a gift from Him! Take your time and be patient with yourself. Maybe the best way to grow right now is to simply focus on being the best friend you know how to be - different people are ready to date at different times and that's ok. Don't be so afraid of making mistakes along the way since imo the fact that you really want to be a good friend shows that you care. God does not want you to cut yourself off from everyone; you've got gifts to share with people and He wants you to use them and find fulfillment. Hope this helps. God bless.

parrot53 | @parrot53 | Aug 27, 2023

Hi Matt,
There is no perfect body, no perfect soul. We are all flawed and most are seeking to find love. You are as good as the rest of us. Strive to connect with someone. Have a conversation. Listen and speak your heart. There are good people out there for you. Glad you found this forum. It is a great start. You are important. Good luck.

covidstinks2023 | @covidstinks2023 | Aug 27, 2023

Bless you Matt. Sounds like you have been through a lot and have turned inward and perhaps you have isolated yourself with these negative thoughts about yourself. God made you special. (Psalm 139:14) and HE MAKES NO MISTAKES. So you are not a mistake. There is nobody else like you. You have a lot to contribute to this world. Sounds like you are a very kind person....this world surely needs that right now with all the tension. I hope you are getting counseling to help you to move forward in life. This website cares and loves you. Praying much for you right now!

mattn | @mattn | Aug 28, 2023

Thank you for all the kind words, it really means alot, but I’m beyond saving, I’m too far gone, but thank you sincerely.

nrocpop | @nrocpop | Aug 29, 2023

In reply to @mattn "Thank you for all the kind words, it really means alot, but I’m beyond saving, I’m..." + (show)

You are not beyond saving. Your brain is playing tricks on you. I wish I knew the words to help you through, but it is definitely something to get through. You can come through to better days. You can. Please don’t give up.

timt347 | @timt347 | Aug 29, 2023

See John Gottman's work on relationships. He has books (often available for free in the public library), an institute that produces videos, numerous interviews, Youtube videos, etc. His ideas are easy to find.

Based on the content of the original comment on this forum, I also suggest seeking out one of the books by Aaron Beck, who originated cognitive-behavioral therapy, and seeing if there is something there that may be useful.

covidstinks2023 | @covidstinks2023 | Aug 29, 2023

In reply to @mattn "Thank you for all the kind words, it really means alot, but I’m beyond saving, I’m..." + (show)

You are not beyond saving. Please get some help immediately with a church pastor for counseling or a counselor. God knows that you are not beyond SAVING! Praying fiercely for you.

geekygirl9 | @geekygirl9 | Aug 29, 2023

In reply to @mattn "Thank you for all the kind words, it really means alot, but I’m beyond saving, I’m..." + (show)

No, you are not beyond saving, and hey, you must not totally believe that because you reached out to your friends here on Connect! We're always here for you! Try talking to a counselor again. Remember it helped before! Connect with the people around you, and spend time doing what gives you purpose. Spending time with other people in person can really help put things in perspective. I've battled severe OCD, and the wait can really be hard when you're dealing with mental health issues, but healing can certainly come with time, and it sounds like it has for you before. Prayers going up for you!