I’m not so sure I am going to make it!

For about six weeks now I’ve been reducing, with the help of my providers, the massive quantities of psychiatric medications prescribed for me over the last fifteen years. My providers agree that at the very least I am on too many and too much medications. The count was fourteen six weeks ago down to six now. It is becoming increasingly clear that I should not have been put on the very high doses of psych meds that I was in the first place.

The past fifteen years have been a nightmare. I have lost everything that ever mattered to me. Now I am facing months if not years of titrations of off medications that I don’t need and that cause the exact problems they are prescribed to address.

Initially I felt great as I got rid of the worst offenders and started exercising and eating better food. Now, I’m in the thick of it; addressing lithium, venlafaxine and Wellbutrin. My doctors are trying to time the reductions of one to offset the other. I have been forced back on lorazepam to handle the anxiety caused by too much venlafaxine and Wellbutrin at lower levels of lithium. I have been put on Latuda to pick up the slack the reduction in lithium causes. I have had to restart propanolole to combat the high blood pressure caused by the withdrawal of the medications and on and on it goes.

My family is simply wretched to me. They do not understand why I’m withdrawn and trying not to interact. My doctors don’t really understand, their understanding comes from what I have told them. They didn’t even know how all of these medications interact with each other. And they don’t really want to believe a psychiatrist (god to them) could have screwed up so badly, never mind all those, who pilled on after him. I feel utterly alone, like a modern day Cassandra.

If I get through this the I have to try to rebuild some kind of life. I need to change the narrative of my life before I die. Today is a bad day and on bad days I just wish my life was over. Sometimes I can’t even breathe.

I’m sorry to be so negative. I usually try to remain positive. This will pass too I guess.

Thanks for listening.