@1k194, to start, I just want to say that much of what’s already written by other posters is great and valid - so I won’t repeat it.
What I will say is this: that rage, that loathing, that caged desperation that it turns into and onto itself, compounding itself, evolving into more and more impotent and desperate rage..I am familiar with that beast.
Sometimes nothing can modify it no matter what I do; none of the calming techniques, the psychological techniques, the other stuff…all just mere distractions that the rage inside at myself eats and spits out within seconds of attempting to contemplate them.
This rage then colours everything I see, everything I do, and it’s at times inescapable- and becomes wrapped up in such unbearable self loathing that it refers me inoperable/non-functional.
I’m far from perfect, and I hate my body for what it became after being smashed up from impact with cars, unable to have children, illness, a brain injury resulting in memory loss, and a court system that destroyed my life in its abject cruelty and innate function designed to cover up corruption and perpetually exploit the innocent.
I hate myself for what I have become.
The rage lives within me each and every day, under the veneer of socially accepted presentation that society demands.
How do I cope? My only solution is channeling that rage into something constructive, instead of the completely destructive impotent ball that is not otherwise well contained within my chest.
I have become a systemic advocate for better and just, rights-based medical care, homelessness, and cancer - all things that have been incredibly destructive in my life and I have till recently actively avoided, thinking I was protecting myself; only to realise that facing these horrible blights on me and society is actually an excellent means of releasing the rage. It doesn’t take away how much I do loathe myself for what I am, but it does give me somewhere to direct that energy, which then helps people, and in turn that helps me.
I tell my story of pain and hurt, to the people who have the means to change policies, procedures, service delivery, and cultural change in health. It took me over a year to finally get where I need to be, but now, I make a difference with my rage, my pain, and my hurt - and this is what helps me feel better.
I encourage you to find what hurts, and find a place/thing in society that parallels that pain and needs advocacy, and you start learning how to tell your story of hurt, pain, and rage to the people who make decisions.
I am involved with a number of organisations that advocate for suicide prevention and reduction, education in mental health (particularly in telling your story to help you make an impact, as well as how to be involved in committee work and co-design of services), organisations that gather information from society (ie: I tell them my story) and they use it to inform governmental submissions to advocate for state and National level policy and legislative changes, organisations that feed into decision maker govt/CEO levels of organisations that will positively influence the lives of homeless people, and organisations that research the impacts of end-stage cancer and how their research needs to include the voices and needs of the people they are undertaking the research for (my argument being: what are you doing it for if you’re not actively working to help people with cancer? And “your career” does not cut it when you’re in the room with me - professor or not).
I am trying to channel my rage into something productive, something that has patience to guide someone to my point of view - because my point of view has VALUE.
You sound like the kind of person who could have lots to teach, lots to bring change, and I encourage you to find that thing, find that voice, find that pathway, to channeling that rage into meaning and value for yourself and others.
Your words tell me you have a lifelong experience with emotional pain - this in itself could be a ****ing powerful story to tell, if you choose to, and it in turn could be the catalyst to changing a system (domestic violence system, depression and anxiety systems, etc) to help people who are experiencing the same thing.
I got rage, and I’m now proud of it.
I hope you can find a way to channel what is in you too 🌺❤️‍🩹