I can't tell you how much I needed this. Every single day feels like an eternity; I know it's the same for her and for you. We used to talk about if certain scenarios happened that might shut us down, we expected the other to "come in and get" us. I've tried so hard to do that and see not one bit of difference from it. I don't want anyone else; I don't even think I could go out with anyone else just for the social experience. But today is the 30th anniversary of our first kiss. This should be a really big deal. We had different lives after that and then found each other again many years later but have considered August 23 to be the day that there became an "us." Now it feels to me like there is no us. She doesn't ever say "us" or "we." I have been trying to trust that my presence means more than she can say and to balance that with maybe not being so close that she feels more pressure than what her condition is already causing her. I do believe she knows this is squeezing the life out of me in a different way than what she is feeling, but apparently she can do no more about it than I can help her feel better tomorrow--except I can at least express my wish, and she cannot or at least does not. She and my mother became so fond of each other; now, neither mentions the other, my girlfriend because she can only think of so much at a time, and my mom, I fear, because she thinks my girlfriend is forever "gone." Occasionally my girlfriend still mentions my daughter, a high school senior. They also had become very close, and right now I can look around my living room and see half a dozen things my girlfriend got for my daughter that she completely loves. But now my daughter doesn't talk about her either; I am sure she misses her, but she has understandably had to move on with a lot of other things in her life. I don't want my girlfriend to feel like we all have moved on, but at the same time, we have to in some degree. It's almost like watching over a loved one to come out of a coma or waiting for them to come home from war; you don't know when or even if it will happen, and if it does, will this even be the same person? I so wish you could experience relief; three years is beyond comprehension to me. She is the sharpest person I know so she has thought of and tried to do everything possible about diet/supplements/etc., so I don't even ask about that part. I have said "I love you" less recently because it's getting so tough not to hear it back; I came up with an abbreviation "HLP," which stands for "hugs, love, prayers," and she does usually say that back. I told her I was going to be looking for a support group online because I could not find such a thing in my area. About the fear, I know it's horrible beyond any ability to describe. She has told me she is scared much more often than she has said that she loves me, which has been maybe three somewhat reluctant times all year. I just wish she would let me be scared with her; to me, we are a team, but she's not at that place. I don't even know how many doctors she is at now; it's certainly double digits, and typically the test results show nothing. I have looked every place I can think of for things to say/do: sites on chronic illness, depression, relationships. To say the least, I feel like I ran through the helpful list a long time ago. I tell her often that I admire her strength and say today is the day she might realize she isn't hurting quite as much. How are you able to reach out to me with advice after three years and be able to reach inside yourself and turn your feelings outward, when that is what it seems has been completely short-circuited in her? Thank you.