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Denial of MCI - how does spouse/caregiver cope?
Caregivers: Dementia | Last Active: Sep 11, 2023 | Replies (20)Comment receiving replies
When your wife’s name comes up on the wait list at the other facility, take your time to look carefully at the present and possible new situation.
Compatibility with a roommate is so important- their general mood, protectiveness about “their side” and “their way of doing things within the room”, the sound level their TV is placed at and frequency of it being turned on- there are lots of people for whom it’s on all day (we called it “audible wallpaper”) and loud. Other residents in the same hallway also have a big impact.
Hoping that staff in the other place will provide “more” is also not a given. It all depends on who is working on that particular shift, how many call-offs have occurred, what unexpected something has happened down the hall and requires extra staff time. Promises made by the other facility’s administrators have to be taken with a grain of salt. Every place has problems with staff turnover and shift coverage. This is a profession of primarily young women and kids get sick, the babysitter cancels, the car won’t start, etc.
Food quality is important, but take a close look at what your wife actually eats and how much. My husband also sleeps a lot and eats very little, old “favorites” hold no interest. He likes ice cream, so he gets a lot of that, with his PCP’s approval.
Finally, before planning a move, when you visit- look closely at the interactions between your wife and staff members. Does she make eye contact, maybe smile, when the Med nurse comes or the laundry lady comes in or an aide passes by and greets her? Does there seem to be a caring approach by the staff even if no response on her part? Is there anything special going on that she likes? My husband likes the musical things the Recreation Dept puts on but participates in nothing else. The facility allows one of the nurses to bring her very well-behaved small dog during her shift- he loves watching it play (as do many others who come out if their rooms to watch and laugh). It’s also important to consider that her room layout, the facility layout, the smells, the routine, the people are all now familiar, and a total change may be difficult to accommodate.
I guess what I’m trying to suggest is to look carefully at the whole picture in a “holistic” way ( a big buzz word, isn’t it?😊)
Replies to "When your wife’s name comes up on the wait list at the other facility, take your..."
My wife is very stoic about her situation, and has, to a degree, assumed the role of caregiver for her older roommate, who expresses herself about being abused by staff, being fed things which upset her stomach, not getting enough assistance, wanting to go home, and so on. I think this occupies most of my wife's time, but she is fond of her roommate. I don't think she engages with other residents very much or participates in many of the facility's activities. Her own level of cognitive impairment is mild, and I don't see a change since she entered the facility two months ago. She lives for my visits and is reluctant for me to leave. I tend to visit every other day and stay for about two hours. Her personal hygiene is not very good. I know the residents have nurse-supervised showers twice weekly, but that really isn't frequent enough, and I don't think she brushes her teeth adequately. She also wears the same clothes every day, although I think they are laundered. This is not new behavior, as she was lax with her dental and physical hygiene at home, and clothing changes. She has always had a habit of picking at her fingernails, and over the last several years has picked them down to where there's very little nail left. Our conversations mostly consist of me telling her what I've been doing, and she remembers to ask me questions about those activities. At home, she was so anxious about me going anywhere that I stopped going out, and this was probably the driving factor for me to place her in a memory care facility. She would sleep a lot during the day, and could no longer drive or operate any electronics or cooking appliances. I don't want to be her caregiver, but it's heartbreaking for me to witness her living in conditions that are several steps down from those at home. On the other hand, she doesn't complain about them. Her facility is a "good" environment, relatively speaking, but I feel guilty about her being in it, although my freedom would be sharply limited if she were at home, even with a home healthcare worker, which we had. So it's a conundrum.
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My guess is that the other place probably won't contact me at all, because they're the big guys in town and can accept or reject applicants for their own reasons. I had a more positive interaction than usual with the old place's community relations director, and a fairly decent lunch there yesterday, so I won't rush into anything. Most of the staff are very friendly and treat my wife respectfully. Maybe part of her illness is to be withdrawn and not very engaged with other residents.