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Thank you all for the virtual hugs.
I’ve been trying (for years now) to help myself; to improve myself. I read and watch a lot of videos from therapists and the like. There are quite a few things that I’ve come to realize.
My childhood was not healthy. Among other things, I was not allowed to express feelings: whether negative or positive. I still carry that tendency; like I have to keep things to myself; that I’m not supposed to make others uncomfortable or “rock the boat”.
My relationship with my dad was almost nonexistent and with my mom, very unhealthy. It’s one of the things that is making caring for them now so stressful and difficult.
I read about stress; what it is, and how it affects the mind and body. I think the massive amount of anger I’ve been having lately (like I when from someone who almost never expressed anger and was very very patient, to someone who have very little tolerance and can go into rages) is a result of the fight/flight/freeze response; not to mention a lifetime of pent up feelings including anger, anxiety and sadness.
I’ve been stuck in either fight or freeze lately because I can’t “fly away” from caring for my parents.
They are both stubborn, uncooperative and plain mean at times. I go between fight: trying to get something done that needs to be done or trying to get the needed cooperation from them; to freeze: feeling hopeless and stuck and not knowing what to do or how to handle my emotions.
All of this is bringing me to my breaking point.
I was getting better/happier/healthier because I had gotten married and moved out (not until I was 30) was away from them for a few years. Only dropping by for short visits when I decided that I was feeling strong enough to be around them without letting it get to me; then leaving before it did.
Now I can’t. I want to just stay away. I know that sounds selfish. But I really think it is once again destroying my mental and emotional health. But I can’t. They need care. And there is no one else. My brother does even more for them than I, but can’t, (and shouldn’t have to) do it by himself.
I feel like I’m stuck in this impossible situation. A constant conflict. I can’t even be free of it when I’m not physically at their house. Not anymore. It is all consuming. The stress; the need to plan what needs done next; the residual affects of how they make me feel; the anger and frustration that stays with me.
I’m sorry. But I vent. Maybe it will help. …?
Replies to "Thank you all for the virtual hugs. I’ve been trying (for years now) to help myself;..."
I think venting helps. I had an abusive mother and now I have been diagnosed with PTSD because of my abusive childhood. It is hard but there comes a time when you just have to let go. You are a person and entitled to be treated as such. I finally found the courage to leave. I settled in a new city thousands of miles away. I found a job and a place to live. A year later I met the man who became my husband for 59 years before he passed away. I found the courage to tell my mother to her face that I no longer wished to speak to her or to have anything to do with her because of her treatment to me. Why do you feel that you must look after them after the way they treated you? Please think carefully about this. Even though biologically they are your parents they have no right to treat you the way they did and in my opinion you owe them nothing. You owe yourself everything.
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My oh my. You do have some feelings that need to be dealt with. On another chat site here on the Mayo site one stated that we need to disentangle ourselves from "Toxic People" and I know it is difficult but for your own sanity perhaps it's worth some consideration. Do you and your brother have the means to hire someone to look in on your parents and then you two step away?
That may be one solution. I feel awful knowing that you are putting yourself thru this and hope that you can stop feeling gulity because you've done nothing wrong and trying to the right thing has and is hurting you physically, mentally and emotioally. Pass this burden to others outside your family. Just some of my thoughts on this matter and I wish you all the best. P.S. I have had to dismiss my child as she was a toxic person for me and my own welll being. I am not sorry about that. It had to be. Good Luck and hugs from a stranger.