Go ahead and scream, rant and rave through your house/apt/room, throw pillows, take those awful feelings building up inside you and scribble them as fast as you can on paper and then tear them up while you cry about the imperfections in your life. Then sit for a minute and have a glass of cool water. Watch the perfect people on TV playing tennis (OUCH!! Lol!) I don't know anyone personally who does all the things I see on TV but they sure make the rest of us look silly right ? Yet while they're "playing tennis" I just now looked out my window and finally saw the young doe who must have recently had twins as she had 2 tiny spotted fawns with her, but those fawns were eating my grass with a vengeance 😳😳😂😂 and it filled me with a joy at their intense survival instincts!!! They didn't need to play tennis. Or go skiing! Eating. Surviving. On to the next meal. Amazing me and making me smile for the first time today...I know very well the feeling of being alone. Of having no family or friends who understand what you are going through. I was basically alone for five years after my bowel burst and I almost died and had a colostomy and wound vac placed. 3 weeks in the hospital. 3 months with a visiting nurse who was my only visitor, diagnosed with CLL leukemia at the same time. Uncaring doctors. Five years and no friends visited me. However for me, no matter how depressed I am, how worthless I feel....almost dying from one of my diseases certainly puts things into perspective for me 😳 and I can feel the pull in my brain and my body to fight this. TO SURVIVE 🥹 because that's what we do. We survive. To see that doe and her fawns. To bear witness to the birds nesting and feeding their young. Watching that is not nothing! You are watching, and sharing, the life around you. I found out last night that my car accident two weeks ago was nothing like I remembered it!!! My own daughter, a police lieutenant for our town had to make the call of an EDP - an emotionally disturbed person!! I was told by my husband and my youngest daughter in CA who received a call from my oldest daughter telling her of the terrible shape I was in!!! I didn't even remember her being on site!! I actually had a serious tick borne disease, Ehrlichia, that was literally killing me by breaking down my kidneys and brain function, on top of my leukemia and newly diagnosed lupus....I was dying. And had no clue. The greatest gift of that car accident (I took out a telephone pole and street sign and airbags didn't go off!) I repeat the greatest gift was that there was no one on the road. There's always people walking, jogging on these winding country roads. That day there were none. My greatest gift that day was that I did not kill someone. I did not take a life. I didn't even get hurt from the accident. The doctors at the hospital gave me a blood transfusion my lab numbers were sooooo off. But they didn't know what was wrong with me. One physicians assistant who took tick tests knew what was happening. Unfortunately I was 2 days into a horrid hospital stay before labs confirming Ehrlichia came back. And the hospital never knew. I think they let me out because they were clueless. A whole week of incredible anger and sadness that my daughter was denying me my grandson in person and on FaceTime. A whole week before the truth of the story came out 😳🥺🙁. In responding to dfb somewhere here I realized what was keeping me from doing "the deed" was I did not want my grandson thinking I did not love him enough.....omg.
Talk to yourself. Talk to someone online. I talked one night to a Facebook friend in Scotland who saved my life!! I live in US. I'm wondering if your pain issues and other issues are undiagnosed medical conditions. Like Lupus. Like most auto immune diseases which creep into your body and are hard to diagnose. Pain can cause major depression when not dealt with. Even tick borne diseases can cause all sorts of havoc in your body and brain.
You are better than this. You are beautiful. You are most certainly worthy. You deserve to have some joy in your life. Yes. YOU DESERVE IT!!! Now you need to find it. Whether it's a kitten or a rescue cat. Even a fish. Something that you can love ❤️❤️ and hold (well, not a fish!) and cry with and laugh with. It is a good thing to have something that loves you and depends on you. Nothing like a warm purring body sitting in your lap 😊❤️
See a nutritionist. Maybe you need a change in diet. Sometimes things that seem so insignificant can change the world for you. Don't give up. A lot of us have been there. Might even be there again. Trust in yourself. You have a story to tell. And people to meet along your way.
Sending love and hugs and support and peace for your heart and soul.
❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️😊😊