Usually I know instantly how to respond. Yet as I read your last posting it seemed to require a little more reflection. My normal course of action is to share my experience in the hope that it might offer something that can be of help. I was worried, however it that might be harmful. Ultimately my experience is all I have to offer. So please take anything that can be help and disregard the rest.

I first felt like I could not go on one more step as a little six year old boy. I was so young that I didn’t even know what I was feeling. So, I disappeared into the woods around my house often for the whole day, sometimes overnight. My parents were more than happy to have me out of the house. And let me be alone. School was easier as there were lots of distractions.

After eights months of treatment for drugs and alcohol my feelings overwhelmed me and once again I very much wanted to end my life. Then I found something to obsesses over, getting and staying sober. For the next five years A.A. kept me alive. A.A. Would continue to be part of my life on one level or another to this day, call it my world view.

Then my mental health journey began. For years my life flourished. Until shortly after being prescribed a cocktail of medication, things started going badly again. Within five years, I had been arrested, my wife had divorced me, my children would not and still don’t speak to me. I persevered through everything until I arrived at prison. I would have killed myself on the spot except they won’t let you.

Two and a half years later it all came back, I wanted to leave my life to the darkness. Then Covid; I spent eight days in the hospital and lost a third of my lung capacity, I lost my job. The meds triggered delusions and I would go onto gain fifty pounds in 18 months. I was declared disabled and was stuck at my mothers house, were I am to this day. I wanted to give up so badly, even the love for my children could not take it away.

What worked is I was on parole and they owned me. Try to die and fail and everything would get even worse (that’s my one rule ‘don’t do anything to make things worse”). That worked for awhile until I figured how not to fail! I came closer to dying than I will ever put in writing.

For me I realized that my life would continue to be a living hell or I really would kill myself if I didn’t do something. I was alone! So I began to think about what worked, here is what I found:

Walking in the woods gave me time to be alone without pressure to feel or be what other people wanted me to be.

A.A. gave me a path to walk with others who suffer (it doesn’t have to be A.A.)

My wife and children gave me people to care about that transcended me. My family relived me of the burden of self.

And as last resort, hospitals and yes prison and parole stopped me when maybe I could not have stopped myself.

It’s ironic that I went to prison to save my family from the ugliness of a trial and prison ended up saving me.

In short I hung on by any means necessary. My life is improving as I am improving and I am glad I am still here. I will never tell anyone they have to hang on. I believe we all have the right to choose when we simply can not take it anymore.

I hope there is something in my post that can give you just a little hope.

My your journey ease and remember you are loved.