I am not yet ready to say I am calm and collected. If you have followed the posts you know that I had a dreadful reaction to visiting my husband's grave. But my son was not able to attend his father's funeral and I could not deny him this visit. My reaction frightened me. I did not expect it to be so violent. But it is over now. I doubt there is any reason to ever go back again. I also feel I am over my depression. Instead what I feel is loss of resolve. I do not want to live. Having said that I have no intention of doing away with myself. I just feel empty. There is nothing to live for anymore. So there is listlessness. I will discuss this with my therapist at our next meeting. One wonderful thing happened though. My son wanted to know about my therapy. So we discussed this at length and the reason for my diagnosis as having PTSD. He was horrified at what I went through. But he got it immediately. He told me that now he understands why I did certain things and said certain things that may have ruffled feathers. He said I should have told him about this a long time ago. But you don't usually discuss with your children your abusive childhood. At the time I thought I was doing and saying okay things but in reality I was not. Now that he understands what was happening with me we have a much stronger bond between us. Not so much with son No. 2. I explored talking about this with him but he is not interested. I know why. He and his wife have fixed ideas about me and my behavior. If they listen to actually what was happening to me they may have to change their minds and they don't want to do this. I had no hesitation in pointing this out to him. I also called him out for allowing a certain person to insult me in front of him and saying nothing. I told him his behavior was disappointing. He had nothing to say to that either. But as I am finding out more about myself it is easier to understand his and his wife's reluctance to change their minds. And you know what? I don't really care. It is their loss.
The day is early yet and I may feel like doing a bit more - or not. Nothing matters. I will do what I can when I can.
Thank you for caring.