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Supporting a depressed spouse.
Depression & Anxiety | Last Active: Aug 1, 2023 | Replies (39)Comment receiving replies
My husband did this for me:
He "suggested" that we go for ice cream. Yum, so I agreed. While we were out, we drove to a park to eat our ice cream. We almost stopped at the store that we passed, but we both decided not to do that, for some reason I forget.
As we were driving home, I realized that he had tricked me into getting up and moving. He didn't really want ice cream. He just wanted to help me get out of my funk. We both had a chuckle.
Thing is, he thought of 1. something I might like to do. 2. He made it easy for me to say yes -- For example, when I said something about having to get dressed, he said I could stay in the car. He removed the stupid obstacles that I put up. 3. Then, by driving to the park, he added another level of activity/new place.
I don't know if this would work for clinical, serious depression, but it did work for me when I was really in a serious funk about a serious issue.
When somebody (my mom, husband, child) is sick and needs some care, that usually gets me out of the blues. I guess it taps into a basic role or a duty or something that I just can NOT ignore. My conscience won't let me stay inside myself. Can you think of some quality like that in your husband that you could tap into? [I can't think of something like that in my husband off the top of my head ! ]
Is your husband a protector? Maybe try "Oh, honey, there's a great big bug! Please come kill it for me."
Is your husband a fixer? Maybe try "Oh, honey, I tried to fix the faucet but I can't turn the wrench. Can you come turn it for me (start with small requests)? " Then, oh, what should I do next? Can you lift the X ?" Wow, these examples sound like the 1950s! But I'm pretty sure that they would work on my husband.
For me, I guess it's just a matter of getting started, on something small that seems manageable, on something that I like or something that I feel compelled to do. Once I get one small thing done, I get feeling more connected to real life, and moving and doing tasks seem more manageable and worthwhile. I think the physical moving and getting more oxygen and fresh air help all by themselves.
These might be really stupid ideas, but I was so moved by your request that I wanted to offer something. I hope something like these ideas helps you guys.
It's wonderful that you want to help your husband. Good luck to you both
Replies to "My husband did this for me: He "suggested" that we go for ice cream. Yum, so..."
These are really good ideas, and thank you for sharing them.
They would work with me, and especially if both of us at some point understood we were fighting this thing together, and that - in the sense of the "subterfuge" effort - that we eventually smiled and agreed we were both in 'on the joke', if you know what I mean...just like you described it.
Having your partner / friend / counselor 'in on it' with you can make ALL the difference - at least it would to me.
Hugs.
Your ideas are not stupid at all! Unfortunately, they won't work for me. His response to "help me with X" is figure it out. I appreciate you commenting and am open to any other suggestions.
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I like your ice cream! I need to come up with ideas too. I think as we get older (husband) or handicapped (me) it’s a little normal to be “sad” to be sitting out of things we know we used to enjoy and was a big part of our active life, but just can no longer do. We no longer work so don’t have the accomplishments and contributions we used to have. We made a drastic move to an active 55+ Community in recent months. I realize not everyone can move, and it was very difficult. But we’re now near similar people, have a lot of activities to choose from, physical or mental (or both). We have people to play with instead of living in communities where most neighbors worked 9-5 and were ready to socialize when we were ready for bed. My husband learned Pickleball. I learned Canasta. We both joined the Social Committee and help with events: I do administrative things and banking, he blows up beach balls, hangs decorations, and helps grill hotdogs. We putter around in our golf cart and take it 4 miles away to a lunch spot or grocery shopping. Anything to keep moving when we’re able.
But you’ve come up with a good idea for rainy days and “down” time. We used to love to go out for frozen yogurt and haven’t done that in 20 years! We have occasionally gone to the movies when something good comes out (he liked Elvis) I think the pandemic isolation really kicked a lot of us down, so we’re working on trying to get up again!