Yes, the doctor said it’s very common with dementia BUT it’s much worse with men when family members and/or female caregivers are the helpers. That pulls in big emotions from decades of being “in charge” and “the man of the house” and accelerates quickly to the “you’re not the boss of me” attitude and angry refusal to cooperate.
By the time my husband was discharged from the hospital to assistive living, he had not showered, changed clothing, or brushed his teeth in over two months, becoming furious with my attempts to encourage or help with any personal hygiene. BUT at the assistive living, he takes two showers weekly (with a full clothing change), allows his shirt to be changed daily (but not socks :/), and brushes his teeth with encouragement from the male aides. He sleeps in his clothes, socks, and shoes (won’t allow shoes to be removed). He wears adult incontinence briefs, doesn’t like them wet or soiled, will take them off while sitting on the commode. I have a bin of briefs next to the toilet, he changes independently. The key for him is a helper who is not related and a guy.
When I was working in Home Care as an OT, it was a rule of thumb that if caregiving was needed by a family member, an adult grandson got the best results if you have one available. I think again, with a son, the big emotions are too close. Perhaps call a home health nursing agency or caregiving business and see if they have any male aides. Or try a female and everybody else leave the room. Some men with dementia would let wives help, but a lot wouldn’t.
Another method I saw used on a dementia unit I worked on, is to do (what in our rural county is called a “farmer’s bath” or a “spit bath” ). Men tend to laugh if you say, “ Come on, we’re gonna wash the stink off ya!”). Prepare ahead of time- clean clothes, a smaller towel, at least five of the large washcloth-size disposable wipes you buy at CVS/Walgreens, warmed in the microwave, a nice cup of coffee ready, quiet music. Pointing out the coffee and gesturing to his kitchen chair (turned sideways with a hand towel placed on it) is cueing in on a familiar behavior and may elicit cooperation. Keep up chit chat. Once seated, pull the arm not holding the coffee out of his shirt and wash quick with one of the washcloths, apply deodorant, then the next arm, flip the shirt quick over his head and quick put the clean one on just one arm and pull down, reach under to wash his front and back, changing wash cloths as needed, then the second arm goes in. The idea is to limit the time he is uncovered and will feel vulnerable/“not right”.
Next have him stand, quick pull down his pants and underwear, have him sit and quick place the smaller towel over his lap. Take off shoes, socks, pants, underwear. Use a new washcloth on each leg. Put on fresh underwear, pants (hope you’ve gone to sweatpants), and socks, put shoes back on. Have him stand- new washcloth for privates front, new for privates back, pull everything up and he’s good to go. If he allows time for lotion, that’s all to the better- offering a back rub and foot rub gives a chance to get some on. The great thing about the washcloth wipes is that they do not have a soap product so there is no problem with drying residue. If he will allow a shower or wash-up at the sink, the product “Cetaphil” also isn’t soap-based, no need to worry about thorough rinsing. For the face and neck- a lot of people like to and can do this on their own. You can offer that cloth while getting busy with other body areas. When seated again, dry shampoo for hair once weekly, electric shaver if he’s willing. At home, my husband stopped shaving and wouldn’t allow help, so he soon looked like Grizzly Adams 🙂 For haircuts, I still take him to Walmart- he is willing to get the haircut because afterwards we always walk around and he loves Walmart- the tool section, the electrical aisle, plumbing supplies- you get the picture 🤣🤣
Hope this is helpful 😊