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"You're not the only one dealing with issues!"
Caregivers: Dementia | Last Active: Jul 23, 2023 | Replies (48)Comment receiving replies
Hi Merry- You asked if I’m still struggling, I guess you could say we’ve “graduated” to the next level. My husband, after the ring went on, revealed himself to be a very easily irritated person, who coped with any level of frustration by screaming and “acting out”. As the years went by, and I now know dementia was creeping in, I coped by working alot of hours and keeping out of his way. COVID was actually a blessing as eating out was no longer an option, it had always been a possible opportunity for a melt-down and I’d be on edge.
The last year at home, he became even more angry and uncooperative with me- wouldn’t eat what was prepared, wouldn’t let me set up a pillbox or participate in the meds, wouldn’t shower or change clothes, turned night into day and day into night. All this culminated in out-of-control diabetes, delirium, and encephalopathy- off to the ER with a friend’s help. He was admitted, stayed 2 weeks, had two major meltdowns in 8 days for which Security had to be called. His PCP and the hospital neurologist said he could not be handled at home. For my work, I had visited every assistive living in our county, the one I liked the best had an opening, he went by w/c van, although fully ambulatory- I was afraid he wouldn’t get out of the car if I took him.
Fast forward a year and 3 months, he is at his healthiest ever with the structure of the assistive living, the diabetes is under good control, he’s made a circle of guy friends who hang out together, he loves to tease and chat with the staff. I visit twice weekly for an hour each time and make sure he has the things he wants and needs, take him out for drives and stops at the Dairy Queen drive-through in good weather.
I’m still struggling a bit with being in the house alone and being in charge of all the things that keep a house going, but my brother and SIL live nearby and we’re all close.
I’m also struggling with my husband’s mood and something that just happened two days ago. I’ve had very mixed feelings over the past year with his new mood- very pleasant, very appreciative, never a hint of irritability. Has he mellowed with the proper medication and the dementia? Does he remember how mean he was and feel regret? Does he have insight that he should be nice as I’m the one who gets him what he wants? Maybe I should take him home? But two day ago, in the DQ drive-through, he suddenly erupted and I was right back in the old days. Sometimes God sends a warning, I’m thinking this was one and I better pay attention.
Replies to "Hi Merry- You asked if I’m still struggling, I guess you could say we’ve “graduated” to..."
Hi @centre, it sounds like your husband is well placed where he is, thriving, and you are spared the hurt of his abusive behavior. You now have some breathing room and time for yourself. Why disrupt things as they are?
You will get the hang of taking care of the house, your finances, and all that. I never thought I would, but I have.
Maybe writing a heartfelt (undelivered) letter to your husband him about what he did in the past and how it made you feel would be helpful to you, let you clear the air, for yourself and move on.
I'm fortunate that my husband with moderate Alzheimer's is sweet and compliant, very appreciative. If I dwell on his past behaviors, it gets me nowhere and I'm not living in the present. I only hope our situation stays this way, but who knows?
@centre- Oh dear. It sounds like his medicine needs to be adjusted again. Did you relate this to his nurses?
I was warned of paranoia and that it would lead to violent behavior. And that I wouldn't be able to handle it. I also knew that Dave would have been appalled if he knew of his actions. They weren't him at all. Although both of us were Type A he was not violent or disruptive and he was very much in love with me.
One day when I was out of the house I came home to a horror show of Dave being aggressive toward a very close friend. He would not see reason even from me, and there were too many people talking at once to me so I didn't even have the chance to be alone with him. I asked everyone to leave and called the hospice hot line. My girlfriend stayed with me. I had to heavily medicate him. And that was the last time that he was ever fully conscious. At least I got a last kiss right before I gave him his pills. He would have hated the way his disease made him act.
I can very much understand your anger at him and I bet that insight isn't a strong suit with him at this point. It sounds as if his illness has caused his bad behavior. As time goes by you will need to let your anger go so that you can move on.
I can't tell you what you should do about whether to keep him where he is, but it does sound like both of you are happier in his present situation. I might even just bring him what he likes and not take him to Dairy Queen.
Have you thought about counseling for yourself? It might help you deal with a lot of your anger. Will you think about it?
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Centre, thank you for sharing. Sending lots of hugs and prayers!! I am curious if your husband started showering and changing his clothes again. If so, did the doctors say what might be causing this? Is it just part of the dementia? We struggle with the same thing with our loved one...and it is becoming increasingly worse as he has also lost control of his stools and refuses to let anyone clean him up. His clothes are now very dirty and stained. 😓 Yet, he has the "right" not to shower...so no one can force him to clean up and he becomes very angry and loud if anyone tries.