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Can’t find help; at a total loss
Just Want to Talk | Last Active: Jul 4, 2023 | Replies (27)Comment receiving replies
Thank you all for continuing to post with your support and suggestions! It really is the only “outsider viewpoint” I have right now.
I definitely think we need help! I’ve been trying to find some. Trying my best to find one covered by my parents insurance. It’s been tough; exhausting; disappointing. They had one place for about two weeks; turns out they didn’t actually “qualify” (someone apparently mislabeled paperwork or pushed it through when they weren’t supposed to) and service was dropped. I’m still looking. Had a social worker from my parents primary doctor helping us to find in home care, but haven’t heard back for awhile. Gonna try to call her today.
The service they had wasn’t really helpful anyway. My dad wouldn’t cooperate with the bath aide and there was no provision for someone to regularly stay with him while everyone else left.
I’ve been trying to analyze why I’m so very angry. I think a big part of it is the lack of cooperation or acknowledgment on the part of my mom and other relatives. There are things that could be done in physical ways (safety issues in the house, clutter that needs to go, repairs that can’t be done till the clutter goes) and in practical ways (mom take a nap or leave the house when someone is there to give her a break, her let things go that are trivial and don’t need argued with my dad…). I’ve tried the gentle approach and I’ve tried the “slap them in the face with reality” approach. Nothing works. I know that my mom and brother who lives with them are incredibly exhausted and stressed! I know that. But when someone offers solution after solution and nothing is cooperated with…..ahhhhh! there’s no word strong enough to express how frustrating it is!
I feel like I’m the only one who is practical or reasonable.
I’ve tried to see things from their point of view. And I just don’t understand why when someone offers a solution, they won’t move forward with it.
I’ve been on my own with dad too. Both times he was in a hospital for days (first was an ulcer; second time with covid) it was since he’s had Alzheimer’s and I was exhausted. I had to stay RIGHT on top of everything there because he couldn’t speak for himself or take care of himself (including in the bathroom) and the staff kept messing up what meds they were trying to give and if I hadn’t stopped them, they would have given (and did a couple times) stuff he wasn’t supposed to have! (That really upset me, but that’s another story).
The last time I literally got no sleep. By the time we went home, I had been up for 60 hours. So, I know. I know exhaustion can and does make you not think right.
But if someone offers to make things better, why refuse it?
I am willing to do the legwork of clutter clearing, house repairs and making schedules to get everything delegated so no one person gets overwhelmed. ….. but no one’s wants to make changes or work in cooperation.
My parents health situations are incredibly stressful and sad in and of themselves….but I think all the other stuff that is making the taking care of them so needlessly difficult is what makes me so angry.
Replies to "Thank you all for continuing to post with your support and suggestions! It really is the..."
Hello, you have my heartfelt sympathy at the tough situation you are in. You have gotten some great support from @gingerw and @annewoodmayo, so I'll try to be brief.
We have been where you are, to an extent, and I remember the utter exhaustion and sense of hopelessness. What is so hard to remember is that "you can't fix everyone." If your parents and brother refuse to accept needed changes, Anne is really right - you need to step away. know You are not a failure if you can't fix something that really belongs to others - their personality, their home...and getting angry about it doesn't hurt them - just you. As for your Mom, you can't stop her from arguing with your Dad - my MIL was like that, couldn't change. Probably can't get her to take a break either.
Starting today, your need to protect your health and your marriage.
But first, as soon as all 3 of your family are physically safe, take a "respite break" for your husband and yourself. 24 hours off - no calls, no conversation about them, push thoughts away with any diversion you two enjoy - a warm bath, nap, eat out or order in, walk, watch a silly movie, play a game... Do this in the next few days, and at least once a week. Within the next week, schedule self care, a haircut, a pedicure, a massage... Repeat these two each week. These are vital to your survival and ability to function. They will survive!
Thinking of you!
Sue
@1k194 Were you able to get in touch with that social worker? I know you have read some wonderful ideas here, and it might seem like we are all piling on to help you. Well, we are! But, your family needs to pile on, also. Whatever words it will take to tell them frankly that you are at the end of your rope caring for everything, do it. Maybe even saying that if X is not here at this time 00:00 to help oversee things, the folks will be left alone. Then do it. Yes, it sounds harsh, but you are going to end up in the ER yourself, from all the stress!
Let us know how you are today/tonight, okay?
Ginger
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Of course you are angry. Who wouldn't be?
Sounds like you may have written out enough of your ideas to come to a recognition of why you feel so angry by the end of your post. That's a really good thing. 🙂
Do you know the Serenity Prayer? It makes a lot of sense from a psychological angle, even if you don't much believe in the prayer part. It goes something like: let me know what I can control and what I can't control and to know the difference.
You are angry because they are making your job harder. You have tried to "control" (reason with) them, both nicely and strictly, and it hasn't worked. So for now, they should be considered one of those things "I can't control."
You can control your "job."
If they won't cooperate about item X, then you should take item X off your list-- at least for now. Let them see the result of not doing item X, and maybe in a few weeks they will cooperate. It may be really, really hard for you to NOT do item X. You seem sensible and dutiful, but you have to let it go. You need to take care of / protect yourself, too.
You can (try) to control your reaction to their not cooperating. This is sooo much easier said than done! Maybe make up a little chant to repeat to yourself when you feel yourself getting angry about item X.
"This is their choice, not mine."
"They've made their bed, now they have to lie in it." "They own this problem now; it's not mine to worry about anymore."
I'm not suggesting that you just dump your parents. I am suggesting that you dump the things that you cannot change. You can't change it, so give it up, for your own health.
****
Have you tried to lure in the undependable siblings with compliments?
"Sis, you are so good at X (housekeeping/cooking/record-keeping/money/ chatting with dad to cheer him up),
can you do X next week [time frame]? Oh, you can't do it next week, then when works for you?"
*****
Typing up your last post seemed to help you work through your ideas and come to a conclusion about your feelings. Have you ever tried writing in a journal?
Writing things up on this site might continue to be helpful since you can get ideas from other people in similar situations...
Good luck! We are here for you! : )