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Can’t find help; at a total loss
Just Want to Talk | Last Active: Jul 4, 2023 | Replies (27)Comment receiving replies
Thank you all.
I didn’t know whether to start a new post.
I’m having a really bad day. Yesterday was exhausting. I took my mom to an appointment. Sounds simple, right? I can’t explain it all…it would take hours, but being with my mom all day is absolutely draining.
I am so angry. I am so done. I am miserable. Worst is that my husband is miserable. I don’t know how to fix it.
We have our own mental and physical struggles. Maybe everyone does. But it’s all we can do to deal with our own problems. Now, once again, my family is bogarting me. I feel consumed. Used. Hopeless. My parents can’t help their health situation. So I’m a terrible person to feel irritated about the stress it’s causing. My brother is worse off…he lives there. And he doesn’t have an incredibly supportive and loving spouse like I do. So I shouldn’t complain.
But I’m not handling it. I’m angry…all the time. I blow up at little things. I hate myself to begin with…I can’t tolerate myself like this.
We (my husband and I) feel lost; exhausted; depressed; just going through the motions.
He’s still on the med he’s taken for over a decade. I don’t think it’s enough/the right thing. I’m no longer on meds; but I feel like I need it. My husband says “he has his wife back” since I went off the meds because more of my personality is back, I guess. I don’t feel well. I don’t think I can deal with life without chemicals numbing my brain/emotions.
I vent here because counselors are expensive and time consuming. I’m back to wanting to stay in bed or give up trying, like I was before I met my husband. I love him more than anything in the world; I’m failing him and I can’t stand it.
There’s no solution.
I have a responsibility to my parents and brother. They need help; in many ways. I’m so inadequate.
But the most important thing is my responsibility to my husband. He deserves a wife who puts him first and is there for him. I’m so inadequate and failing at that (though he is too good of a person to ever admit that to me; even when I’ve asked). If I fail at that; if I fail him…life isn’t worth living;….and I am failing him.
Replies to "Thank you all. I didn’t know whether to start a new post. I’m having a really..."
It sure doesn't sound to me that you are "inadequate" in any way.
Sounds to me like you are climbing Mt. Everest without a sherpa guide.
I completely understand about one day=complete exhaustion. Been there, done that, felt that, too.
I hope some other readers offer their opinion on the suggestion I am about to make, because I'm not sure if it is any good.
Is it time to try again with the paid help?
None of my relatives (mother, mom-in-law, aunt) liked paid help.
Some of the aides were really good, some were OK, none-- that we had-- were outright bad.
For a period of a few weeks, my mother absolutely could not be left alone in her house. When I was at the point of desperation, none of my siblings stepped up, so it had to be paid help, covered by insurance. So, tough beans for my mom, I got some paid help. I had to. Turns out, one lady was fabulous!
Sounds to me that you have reached the point where I was. You just have to take whatever help you can get now, whether you and your folks like it or not...
Are your standards too high?
I hope this doesn't sound too harsh. I'm trying to channel the "fabulous lady aide" mentioned above. She bossed me right out of my mother's house (!). It took me about 20 minutes to realize that she was absolutely right to do so! Sometimes you need somebody to "boss" you into a sensible, necessary course of action.
Ginger and other readers, what do you all think?
Good luck! hugs!
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Like @annewoodmayo mentioned, you need help. Who it might end up being, how you get it, is irrelevant right now. The thing is, today you need help in the worst way! You sound exhausted, physically, emotionally, mentally. You can't be a good person to yourself, let alone anyone else, until you solve at least part of the situation.
Is there a faith community you are part of, who can recommend some help for you? Can you tell your non-participating family members today that they need to step up to the plate and take over some dutues before they have no choice? Can you call a family meeting over Zoom if not everyone is local? [I recall having a sibling meeting over a conference call]
In my family, it seems like it was the opposite. We had members who were willing to step in and help, but one person decided that she would "do it all herself". Of course it became too much, but she wouldn't back down. It wrecked a lot of our family dynamics. Resentments exist even now, more than 10 years later. How far the pendulum swings!
Life is indeed worth living, remember that. You deserve to have help.
Ginger