Hi, again, Jeff,

About the family reuniting...
The hospice folks might be able to help you fastest with suggestions. I'm sure they have seen it all before.

Any advice you get on this point would have to depend on why they are apart. And what your wife thinks about it all.

If the family members just sort of drifted apart, then, yeah, now might be a good time to reach out to them-- with your wife's agreement. Same advice if there was a fight over something stupid in the past. But sometimes in families, the fights over "stupid" things are really a way to separate without addressing something big or serious. You gotta check with your wife here. There may be things in her family that you don't know about.

If there was any kind of abuse or something else really serious, then it might be a good idea to NOT contact them. Again, you have to check with your wife. She may not come right out and explain her reasons, either.

I'm kind of wondering why you think you should try to help them reconcile.

Would seeing her sisters increase your wife's "right-now" happiness?

You know your wife well...Do you think that the separation might be weighing on her conscience in some way? And maybe she doesn't have the energy right now to recognize it or do anything about it? Do you think that, when your wife was healthy, she would have thought that the "right" thing to do was to at least give her siblings a chance to reconcile before it was too late? To me, it seems like a good idea to help your wife do what she would do normally, if she still could think and do normally, not sick. It seems like you would be helping her to be herself. You still need to ask her, though. Plant the seed of reconciliation.

If your wife is religious, then you might be doing her a big favor by helping her to reconcile with (non-abusive) family members. And I guess that depends on her religion, too. Using the Golden Rule lens (treat other people the way that you want to be treated), would your wife want to know if her family member was really sick? If your wife answers "yes," then help her to tell her family about her illness. Then it's up to them to respond. And you, or the hospice person, to be the doorkeeper.

Here's another angle-- it's kind of harsh but just in case: If you are trying to get them to reconcile, when your wife does not want to, ONLY in order to avoid potentially nasty confrontations with her family later, then that is NOT a good enough reason to disturb your wife now. Later, you can tell them the truth: That she didn't want to see them.

Don't forget to consult the hospice people. Some of the long time hospice people-- like the mom of my son-in-law-- have seen so much and have so much wisdom from their experience to share.

About the smoking...She isn't rejecting you in any way, I think. She is just succumbing in that moment to that terrible, powerful physical and mental addiction. Maybe she could chew on a nicorette gum or mint once in a while instead of having that one smoke.

Gee, sorry this got so long! You take care now.
Anne