Family and friends reactions to diagnosis

That is very helpful post! What an innovative idea by your daughter that I hope others reading this will implement if the need arises for someone they care about. The continuation of “thinking of you” messages in any form means so much. My journey was nine months long from diagnosis to completion of radiation and the ongoing support definitely helped me through.

Thank you for taking the time to write this, and I hope you are well! Cindy

It is interesting to read everyone’s story. Lots of similarities of both heartwarming and disappointing reactions from our friends and family.

When I was first diagnosed with breast cancer and the BRCA2 mutation in 2013, I had a double mastectomy and ovaries/tubes out at the same time. Not recommended to disable yourself high and low at the same time. My entire family was notified because of the BRCA2 mutation. I also told my friends. I told my closest colleagues, but most colleagues never knew. I am divorced and knew it would be a less lonely journey if I had the support of those around me.

A colleague who was just wrapping up her breast cancer treatment told me, “There will be people you thought would stand by you that will disappear and then there will be others you hardly know that will step up to help you in a big way. Your cancer journey will be very enlightening.” She was so right.

I was very disappointed by some people I thought would be supportive but either disappeared, made callous statements or made canned statements that struck me as pseudo-support. Mostly, I was amazed by the kindness and sacrifice of many others, friends and family. My cousin and my best friend both took significant time off work to stay with me and help me post-op with a terrible recovery due to 2.5 weeks of unbearable pain from the abdominal surgery (neuropathy amps up pain) and my inability to take pain meds. I also couldn’t move my arms away from my sides before I had PT. I was struggling for sure.

A friend from high school I hadn’t seen in 20 years, but was still in touch offered to take a week off work and fly out to stay with me. I declined, but was so touched by the offer. After my two consecutive caretakers went home, several colleagues took turns coming over before and after work to walk my three dogs for me because I live in a condo with no yard. One person I barely knew. That was all so heartwarming and desperately needed. Lots of other people called, emailed and stopped by to visit during my recovery. Right when the surgical pain improved, I got shingles with severe pain that left me unable to sleep for 2.5 more weeks, but I could care for myself and dogs. Right when I went back to work after 6 weeks, an off-leash dog attacked my dog causing me to fall and break my right wrist. Not helpful.

That reminds me, I didn't have enough vacation time so my colleagues on my team all donated part of their vacation time to cover my remaining time off so I wouldn't have reduced pay. My VP gave me all of her remaining 9 days. Again, I was so touched!

My breast cancer came back in 2020 and I was diagnosed with unrelated lung NETS (50+ tumors) at the same time. I had surgery, other procedures, radiation treatments, collapsed lung twice, etc. that left me unable to walk my dogs or run errands. I have an amazing friend/neighbor who took care of all that for me each time and without hesitation. I received lots of phone calls, texts, gifts and greeting cards from so many people especially the first year. Again, it was all very heartwarming.

I’m now on 3 cancer meds indefinitely that cause significant fatigue along with other side effects, but I can do what I need to do. My last dog passed away 5 months ago so dog walking assistance won’t be an issue in the future. Many neighbors don’t know about my cancer because I didn’t want to be referred to as the lady with cancer. The majority of people that know about my cancer haven’t asked how I am doing in a year or two either because I look fine, they forgot or they assume I’m cured. Those closest to me still ask for a periodic status update and I know they will be available if needed. It’s an interesting journey to say the least.

Many of the women on this message board have mentioned in the various breast cancer threads that they have a loving, supportive husband 24/7 and I try to imagine what that would be like vs. living alone. When the immediate crisis is over and support starts to wane, the appointments, paperwork and side effects from meds all continue and you start to feel alone on the cancer front. It’s hard to wear all the hats sometimes.

Overall, I received the support I needed during my crises and discovered there are a lot of people in my life that are truly a blessing. The positives have far outweighed the negatives as far as people are concerned. Like others have said, cancer leads to personal growth. It has helped me re-evaluate relationships and everything else in my life. I also now appreciate each day more. Blessings to all of you on this journey. 🙂

I’ve always loved the song by Tim McGraw, “Live Like You Were Dying.” It says it all.

It means everything. I’ve learned that people don’t know what to do or say, so they just stay away. I was more concerned for my son, who was terrified ( but focused on the positive ..he didn’t know, that I knew he was scared). He had no support and it was a heartbreaking discovery to me. It’s just my son and I, we have family and friends, but they were invisible. People treat cancer like the flu sometimes, you’re treating it, it will be over soon, don’t talk about it. Hard lessons to learn.

I wish you both enough.