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I'm so glad I could help and you can see many others deal with the same thing...not that it lessens the hurt!
Eventually, at least for me, I realized that I was always looking for someone to make me happy...making my grandchildren my focus though they were far away...I was sewing for them, writing them. I could finally see that the amount of love I was showing...was what I needed to fill me up.
We are not responsible for what happened and it wasn't our doing. But, we are responsible for the steps we take and heaven knows you have tried. You will find when you look squarely at what eats at you; it will be your first step in going forward and being the amazing person you are...out loud. My fifties were energetic and I was able to do more physically....reach out. You can do it, my friend, I know you can or you wouldn't be talking to me. 💞 I'll be here~!
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@grammy82 Thank you, dear soul, once again.
I have read your post a few times now, and it's funny, so far I've misread it - but that may be because my misread (a version of a 'Freudian slip'?) is a clue to my unrewarding efforts: I read your phrasing of "Eventually, at least for me, I realized that I was always looking for someone to make me happy…" INSTEAD AS:
"...I realized I was always looking for someone to MAKE happy..."
[likely, at least, because my poor, loving, lonely and lovely mother never seemed happy, and my sister and I - esp. my sister at times, being a doctor, was made to feel she HAD to make Mom happy, and it generally never was enough].
So, I always want people to BE happy, get along (unlike how I experienced my parents' relationship), to enjoy things, find solace and/or peace in things, to find their own happiness. Yet, I can't seem to find mine: the ONLY thing I can identify that truly makes me happy is dancing - I've taught it, I've taken it, studied it when I was younger - but now I just want to DO it - but, the sinister catch is: it almost always takes TWO - and a dance partner I've never found - at least not for the long run. So, just recently I did find a place for line dancing (mostly to country tunes, but that's OK), and I did it with the group - as a participant for a change - for 2 hours...sweating bullets, but happy in the process, feeling like something close to freedom was within reach.
The only thing better is an impromptu Fred & Ginger style dance around the whole, open dance floor, which I've only done twice in my life - and the acquaintance/dance partner wasn't interested in doing it on a regular basis. This kind of dance is truly the closest I've come to pure joy and a feeling like flying. Even with line dancing, as a participant, with people watching, passing by, it's a reward to hear some who have genuinely commented "you go, girl!" - THAT is the happiness I sweat and try for - that communal feeling of joy, without divisiveness as an issue, free of judgment, fear or self-consciousness - and I always invite everyone to join in.
Wishing each their version of Fred & Ginger - whether it be as a couple together, or on a solitary path. If only it could be a regular, welcome experience, one that I wouldn't have to manufacture to enjoy!