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@grammy82 - Tears again, "grammy" ... especially because the ONLY person who EVER listened to me and knew the players was my mother's mother - my grandmother - and she died in 1981, shortly after my first cross-country move.
So, your "handle", and what appears to be the year (19)82, so close to my own grandmother's departure, and your reading and understanding of what I wrote hits so close to "home".
I could go on - like why am I (still) crying (today) after struggling for 51+ years - since 9th grade or so - and it still cuts me to the core? and I still am finding myself alone? and to act otherwise is to deny my very own experience and its impact? How can I honor my otherwise silent struggle if I act as if I'm OK - esp. around people I would think would be the ones to care?
Believe me - and this is of no balm to my deep wounds - you wouldn't know it if you met me.
Thus the dichotomy of my dysfunction: it endures, I appear otherwise, I am in inner turmoil for its lack of resolution, or even for lack of its acknowledgment by the perpetrator - who I understand may even have been a victim herself of the only person who ever listened to me.
But, please, ...thank you @grammy82 .
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I understand what you are saying....all my life I was THE SMILE....still am, only now I'm not hiding behind it, I mean it. I'm so glad that you feel that I get you because I do.....I was you....now I am uniquely me.
I'm a Grandmother and love them so...sadly they live in Canada and I live in Indiana. Between covid and my getting GCA, I missed seeing them go through that stage where they were still children and are now 15 and 18 in July. Those are the only two that I have and I plan to fly (jelly legs and all) to see my granddaughter graduate from high school and my grandson's Nike sneaker collection.
When you said I wouldn't know you...boy, that made me think of me!!! Never a hair out of place, always smiling, confident in my job, unsuccessful in relationships......we project to hide the inside.
I think you know you need a really good therapist who will tell you it is ok to be sloppy sometimes, it is okay to cry, it is ok not to like everything because some things suck!!! One thing that doesn't is....YOU. But you need a hand down that road. I worked with a woman who believed in 'mindfulness'...now...what is....we can tell ourself such stories....and it is okay to cry. xo💞