I'm so sorry and can almost feel your frustration, it is more than that. I looked at your biography to see how long you have been going through this. I don't want to make any assumptions at all; I didn't see any general history.
It sounds like you have been running to and away from at the same time~~when we have been traumatized; nothing is simple. Certain essentials have been damaged, like our ability to trust, have confidence, set boundaries, and how we judge our worth.
The client and the therapist have to 'fit'....there are good ones out there for sure. From my personal experience and I'm just sharing...I had to be ready to be brutally honest with myself and know it was going to be hard. When it is tougher...you get some answers faster. I will have you in my thoughts. 💞