I replied to you a little earlier before reading this post.

I'm so sorry to hear what happened to your sister.

Once my sister said to me: "you're insecure.... I'm insecure.... Our super-successful other brother is insecure... That's no coincidence, our parents messed up at some point!"

I think if someone sees their sibling go into hospital for emotional reasons that is going to have a negative impact. I would feel
1. Guilty for being stronger and
2. Afraid of reaching that point myself.

One of the first things I had to learn about myself is that, like it or not, despite actual mental problems, I'm actually quite strong (cue song "I will survive"!).

Only 5 days now. The suitcases are out and I am nervous. As I read the various posts I am constantly amazed at the damages caused to us by our parents. I am a parent. Probably because of the damage caused to me I didn't particularly want children, but the first one came anyway. When they put him in my arms my feelings were indescribable. I would have killed for him. I felt exactly the same way when my second son was born. How can anyone treat a child this way? Especially when they are your own flesh and blood. I am an old lady now and my sons are middle aged. But we still speak and are on good terms. And I never did to them what my mother did to me.

@brandysparks I have been on both sides of the fence. Grew up being abused in every way, and unloved. Even as a child I promised myself I would never treat my children (especially my daughters, as I came from a culture where girls were disposable), and I kept my promise. Because I felt so unvalued, I prayed for a girl each time I was pregnant; the first two of the three were daughters, the third being a son. I love all three equally with every fibre of my being, and always made sure they not only knew they were loved, but I told them that every day they were growing up.

However, there were some things about my mother that I unconsciously picked up. Like her, I subconsciously took out my frustrations in my marriage on to my kids - my two daughters especially, because they were older than my son - he came along six years after my middle daughter, by which time I had learned from my mistakes with them. The girls, however, have always claimed that I love my son more than them “because he is a boy” - so untrue, because I had always wanted girls to love and care for the way I never was! And I love my son equally because I know what it is like to be born the “wrong sex”. I never wanted sons, but the minute he was put in my arms after birth, it was love at first sight.

Like my mother, I was “trained” to “shut up and put up”. I knew I couldn’t do anything about my mother in law who caused a lot of damage to my husband’s and my relationship, and my husband’s lack of support against her, so unfortunately I took my frustrations out on my kids, yelling and screaming at them whenever I was angry with him and his mother - she was in our lives for thirty of our now forty three years of marriage. But they were never neglected, and I always made each child’s birthdays and Cheistmases special because I never had birthdays and other celebrations.

Anyway, in addition to that, being an East Indian raised in the environment I was raised in and married to a detached Scot, raising biracial kids was a challenge especially with little help from my husband. I felt like a single mother all the years they were growing up. Now that they are adults, he is their best friend. I had no role model to follow. None of my friends had kids at the time so no one to exchange parenting ideas - no internet either to look up information. The long and short of it is I caused my kids emotional damage despite loving them to bits and as I have said to them over and over again (though my eldest turns a deaf ear to it), if I could rewind the years from the day I got married till they were grown, I definitely would have raised them differently.

My eldest daughter has never forgiven me - won’t even let me apologize to her and walks out of the room any time I try to talk to her and try to apologize. It seems like she would rather hold on to the grudge. Middle daughter has accepted my apologies and we are close. Son also has accepted my apologies and forgiven me and we have a good relationship too. What hurts is the oldest daughter tries to create a divide between me and my middle daughter and son - draws them away from me any time I have the three of them over for any family occasion. Husband looks the other way - doesn’t see it as his problem.