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@ricm58 Well said.
I guess what lingers is the "black hole" of our struggle to be ourselves (whatever, whoever that is!), in spite of the template we were/are imprinted with. What a fundamental challenge! And where else do we or can we find guidance that is genuine, well-intentioned, without agenda or betrayal for just being, just trying to live, to find answers, without reprisal?
Religion is not the answer for me, and I don't want to raise that as an issue here.
But, if there is good, can we at least feel like we can talk with others who understand, or have themselves lived, or can through study and practice (whether professionally, or for their own lived experience) share their journey? I suppose that is what we are doing here, and I find hope in that.
However, I am in a period of gloom right now, especially because I am not finding that I can talk with those in my surroundings (partner, sister, mother) about my darkness and struggle. I am so weary, from my partner, of hearing "just take a walk", "get out", "listen to music you like". I have..., I do..., and I have... all of the above, and nothing changes. Time is a-wasting, and I must be the common denominator that is in the way.
Before I move on from this seeming solitary unresolvable gloom I'm in - does anyone else feel that - in spite of ALL their own efforts (therapy, reading, meds, talk, mental spinning / revisiting of unresolved issues and situations) that THEY themselves must be the obstacle? Worst case - that it somehow WORKS to NOT resolve these issues, in spite of the ongoing misery of spinning them minute-by-minute in your head?
And even, extrapolating further, (and I've read others who have pushed through, beyond their misery, to getting somehow beyond it all write about this here) -- the fear of finding on the other side what sadness there is in how much time / life / joy was lost before getting through to the other side???
Seems like a "lose - lose" to me, though if I ever have a chance to - in some way that I have not yet found in spite of best efforts - I WOULD choose to move through it, beyond it, so as to find there is a different way to "be", and a self that has joy in "just being".
I just CANNOT seem to find resolution.
Thank you to those who share their journey here. It does help in many ways more than all the other ways I've tried to get through this.
Replies to "@ricm58 Well said. I guess what lingers is the "black hole" of our struggle to be..."
Your writing is truly descriptive and shows me how you feel. I think you have found friends here, as I have.
No, it is not easy but when you get through this...and you will...it is worth the work.
I was born in 1940 and for many years, sometimes this gloominess would be in the background...temporarily gone but it came in 2018 and looked me straight in the eye. At different times I would make positive strides and experience peace, but when I was 78, I owned how worthwhile I was.
I'm just saying it is a worthwhile pursuit no matter your age....you are worth it. 💞
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Throughout my life I have always had problems with myself. I knew I was not "normal." I also knew that it was because of my mother. It became a case of me or her. I just left. I travelled a thousand miles and all by myself I found a job and a place to live. But, again, no friends, enforcing the feeling that I was not "normal." Against all odd I met my husband and we had a good marriage for 59 years. Then he died. And a couple of months later I had to go through a total hip replacement alone. The grief was awful. I had a wonderful caregiver who helped greatly. Soon I was able to be independent. I found a therapist and she helped. But even so I still feel different. I describe it as looking through a window and seeing all the kids playing and having fun but I can't get in. I may never be able to get in. For me at this point is trying to accept that I am who I am. It's not easy but neither is life. So is your problem that you want to be different? If so, you really need to examine that idea. Because you are what you are. As I said, you have to accept what you are and just be who you are and accept it. We pick up a friend or two along the way to accepts us as we are and what more can anyone ask.