Sometimes forgiveness comes in the form of a decision... "I am just not letting that woman live in my head rent-free anymore." Out....💞

If I am right in what I'm saying the main point is this:
A person can be wicked, knowingly, and take satisfaction in it.

However, they didn't choose to be that way, that is who they just are. They must carry responsibility for it. But the fact that they are that way is, in itself, outside their control, precisely because they are ok with it. Which is, certainly, miserable for those who that person mistreats.

But if that person mistreats me, it's not about me. I didn't do anything to deserve that, they aren't judging me. They are making me the receptacle of their meanness. OK maybe I did some thing or other that they didn't like. But no way does that justify them being very mean to me.

So if I internalize that voice, I am now making it about me, when they voice was actually 0.1% or less about me, and 99.9% about the kind of person that mean person was.

@thisismarilynb did you say your mom had a mental problem …? In which case one could say … she would be considered “guilty by reason of insanity” …?

HI @thisismarilynb.

Excited for you & your upcoming trip.

I have to agree with and recognize your experience...when a person shows (albeit infrequently) that they are capable of "seeing you", with all the different ways that can be demonstrated, then I cannot abide with any "out" for them that 'they didn't know what they were doing'. Especially when - with great pain, effort and lack of seeing any other way around it - I addressed the person directly with these issues.

They could hear me, they chose to knee-jerk respond with defensive "How could you? How dare you? ...after all I've done for you (as a child, what choice do I have?)"

"Love" is not enough, as I tried to share with the psychiatrist meeting with our family after my sister chose to be in a secure lock-down unit after her attempt. A mother who hides behind "but I'm her mother", or "love" is not in touch with what her impact is - blaming others, even the adult child herself who made the attempt, almost successfully. Not being willing to talk with a professional - or anyone else - about what could be going on. Taking pleasure in your distress...a real killer.

Would that we could separate ourselves from these parents who wouldn't let us live our own identity or reality...and when we do, they call us back expecting we have no other life than to care for their needs, especially when they could afford to hire help.

Yes, there are generational differences, privacy issues, but there are also choices and confidentiality that professionally and/or can be contractually required.

Yes, my mother didn't have as many choices as I do. Nor did she have much access to the $$$ that my father controlled, and if she chose to go up against him, she would lose as she did not have the social and professional standing he had, I understand that. But would she ever let me bring that up with her? let alone discuss it?

It's these things that go unacknowledged that do the most damage. Just bringing it out into the open would be at least a leg up on being mentally healthier, instead of being made to feel like you could go crazy because no one else is addressing any of their reality, let alone listening to what your might be.

Hi😊Hope you are doing good… Sorry… your “mother” was a awful person and must have not only abused you. My mom did some off-base things too but nothing to compare at all. Sounds like she was intimidated by you dear one. Not in CA any way to excuse or condone her sick, unmotherly behavior, but wonder what she came out of?… You know, it has been discovered now that genetic memory from our ancestors is passed down…🤔Anyway, if she had been raised by mentally/emotionally healthy people, maybe she would have been a lot better of a mother that you deserved. Sending a big 🤗 hug.