@ilovecats110600 Welcome to Mayo Clinic Connect. I'm really glad you found us, and feel safe enough to share. While it would be great to hear more details of the "why" I can understand your reluctance at the moment. Perhaps in the near future you will feel comfortable to share.

At this age you are, our emotions/feelings/thinking patterns are all a jumble. At least mine sure were! I was also going through some terrifying thought patterns, and exposure to unhealthy things, at that age. If I could have voiced my concerns, my father might have been open to me seeking help, but my mother would have given me a lot of pushback, so i never said anything. I kept it all inside, except for my writing. For me that was a game-changer, putting things down in words. Poems, essays, observations, journaling. Have you tried doing that? In fact, I do that even to this day when it feels overwhelming. Take a look at our journaling support thread: https://connect.mayoclinic.org/discussion/journaling-the-write-stuff-for-you/ and perhaps you'll want to give it a try!

If you do not have access to a teen center, or youth group to connect with who may be available to help you. what @scolio suggested may help you: calming breathing exercises, or engaging in a hobby you find pleasure in. Do you have a close friend you can confide in? A favorite aunt/uncle/cousin? A creative outlet?

Will you let us know if any of these ideas appeal to you, and may be something you will consider, please? we're here for you!
Ginger