Connect
Comment receiving replies
I have found the following two things a challenge: my parents caused me damage (this has been confirmed by therapy and psychiatry), to the point where I moved far from all family in shame. But then 2 things happened: I carried on neglecting myself as they had. Plus, I had a family-sized hole in my life, which my wife helped with, yes. But I ended up keeping inner, mental (neglectful) parents, I guess because the psyche needs some kind of parents to guide and contain, even if neglectfully.
Solution?
1. What I wrote in my previous message.
2. I have had to forgive my parents despite the outrageous damage caused to my life. And learn that other people (though not angels, and certainly not substitute parents) can be nice. Friends are only that: nice, no more than that. But nice is good. It's just not intense like neglect or abuse. Friendship's kind of fleeting. But it's nice!
Replies to "I have found the following two things a challenge: my parents caused me damage (this has..."
@ricm58 Well said.
I guess what lingers is the "black hole" of our struggle to be ourselves (whatever, whoever that is!), in spite of the template we were/are imprinted with. What a fundamental challenge! And where else do we or can we find guidance that is genuine, well-intentioned, without agenda or betrayal for just being, just trying to live, to find answers, without reprisal?
Religion is not the answer for me, and I don't want to raise that as an issue here.
But, if there is good, can we at least feel like we can talk with others who understand, or have themselves lived, or can through study and practice (whether professionally, or for their own lived experience) share their journey? I suppose that is what we are doing here, and I find hope in that.
However, I am in a period of gloom right now, especially because I am not finding that I can talk with those in my surroundings (partner, sister, mother) about my darkness and struggle. I am so weary, from my partner, of hearing "just take a walk", "get out", "listen to music you like". I have..., I do..., and I have... all of the above, and nothing changes. Time is a-wasting, and I must be the common denominator that is in the way.
Before I move on from this seeming solitary unresolvable gloom I'm in - does anyone else feel that - in spite of ALL their own efforts (therapy, reading, meds, talk, mental spinning / revisiting of unresolved issues and situations) that THEY themselves must be the obstacle? Worst case - that it somehow WORKS to NOT resolve these issues, in spite of the ongoing misery of spinning them minute-by-minute in your head?
And even, extrapolating further, (and I've read others who have pushed through, beyond their misery, to getting somehow beyond it all write about this here) -- the fear of finding on the other side what sadness there is in how much time / life / joy was lost before getting through to the other side???
Seems like a "lose - lose" to me, though if I ever have a chance to - in some way that I have not yet found in spite of best efforts - I WOULD choose to move through it, beyond it, so as to find there is a different way to "be", and a self that has joy in "just being".
I just CANNOT seem to find resolution.
Thank you to those who share their journey here. It does help in many ways more than all the other ways I've tried to get through this.
Connect
Yes friendship is nice and so are you for writing to me. I moved far from family but not in shame. They all said you will be back, implying that I would fail. I went with the attitude that I will show them, and I did. But again you are right - keeping inner parent. My mother's shrill voice and hurtful comments are all still right there. I have heard a lot about forgiveness and how it frees you. I just cannot figure it out. Someone once said to me if only I could vomit her out. Yes, if only.