Tired of living

Posted by thisismarilynb @thisismarilynb, Apr 17, 2023

When I wake up each morning I am not grateful. For me life is not worth living. I had a miserable childhood and was traumatized by an abusive mother. I finally left home and went far away by myself to try and make a life. To a degree I was successful. I was fortunate to meet a wonderful man and we were married for 59 years before his death. Even so I have never been able to make friends or be comfortable in meeting people. I shrink from going into crowds. Now I am alone. I am 88 years old and am sick and tired of living. The only sure thing I know is that I will not do away with myself.

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@brutusthebear

You have been so fortunate to have and love your husband…when you love and loose the person it’s just plain grief and that grief doesn’t leave, you just have to navigate around it I guess. My oldest son struggles with alcoholism and has Asperger’s…very intelligent and talented and productive working on my properties but I just can’t handle the stress of it. I also have been active and in really good shape but the emotional sadness is the worst. You know, I wish I had dementia and was in a nice care home! So sad because I love doing things and enjoy people but find myself in bed sometimes for days! I need to just stop playing”god” I guess and detach but don’t seem to be able to. How very, very brave your going on a cruise! Your husband is proud of you I know! You inspire me…😊👍💕🌺

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Thank you for your kind words. You don't want dementia. It's losing yourself. Nothing could be worse. I do know about being in bed for days. It's called inertia. You just want to leave the world for a while. Then you grit your teeth, take a nice shower and continue on. I am fighting a new battle now. I just finished getting through an allergic reaction to a new medication. Going through my medical history I find I have a lot of those. I have told my doctor I am not happy with the care I am receiving. Some might say - go to another doctor. Unfortunately there are not many choices where I live and there is a shortage of doctors in this country. Fortunately I take very few medications and in the future perhaps none. Sometimes the cure is worse than the disease.
You need to continue your love of doing things and enjoying people. If you like to help, just gently give them hints to the right direction and encourage them to think for themselves.

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This is Marilyn P. I'll be brief ~ I'm 83 and walked in your shoes as have many others. Please take steps to help yourself...I've learned nobody is responsible for my happiness except me. My sons are happy in their marriages and very busy. A therapist made me see that. For me, the first step was realizing I had value, although I wasn't raised that way. I truly pray you will reach out so you can have a better life. I paint watercolors at the Senior Center and there are older gals than I there that have overcome incredible obstacles.
Believe in yourself ....believe that you are worthy of a happier life but the first steps have to be taken by you. I know you can do it simply because of what you have survived. We have to let it go and take charge. My prayers💞

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WHY do u think u need to be Grateful? After all u say life does not (seem to) offer u that u need or want. I know I won't if I were in this situation.
But u also say "Now I am alone," which seems u DON'T want to be alone. U probably know if one wants something -- cake, sleep, neighbors, trees, you TRY to find how to get these. While you say u are not into crowds, u did not mention you ever wanted CROWD.
But u are "not comfortable in meeting people" so problem is YOUR discomfort about meeting another person. WHY do u think u have NOTHING that another PERSON might find interesting, even enjoyable -- especially given the incredibly tough life you had while growing AND having lived enjoyable life in marriage of 6 decades?
I think u are starting from a preconceived notion that people will not WANT u to connect, even though I see NO reason for u to feel this way, indeed opposite! IF someone seems Not Interesting enough, Move On, life is too limited to be wasted where u can't have a MUTUALLY rewarding experience a key point in ANY true friendship, even a good acquaintance.
BTW my current nearly full-time 'occupation' is to find a 'friend whom u can at least carry on interesting experience in at least ONE area of interest that YOU BOTH care about (game, sport, hobby, political economic spiritual or social issues) I don't expect more -- if we click on more than One area, great, but it's NOT a necessity.
I hope u go out looking for THIS kind of connection where BOTH of you will benefit. By YOU not doing it, YOU are also depriving the other of a possible rewarding encounter. That's what's so noble about Friendship is!
Good luck to you from a fellow man who is in the Octogenarian decade.

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@sisyphus

WHY do u think u need to be Grateful? After all u say life does not (seem to) offer u that u need or want. I know I won't if I were in this situation.
But u also say "Now I am alone," which seems u DON'T want to be alone. U probably know if one wants something -- cake, sleep, neighbors, trees, you TRY to find how to get these. While you say u are not into crowds, u did not mention you ever wanted CROWD.
But u are "not comfortable in meeting people" so problem is YOUR discomfort about meeting another person. WHY do u think u have NOTHING that another PERSON might find interesting, even enjoyable -- especially given the incredibly tough life you had while growing AND having lived enjoyable life in marriage of 6 decades?
I think u are starting from a preconceived notion that people will not WANT u to connect, even though I see NO reason for u to feel this way, indeed opposite! IF someone seems Not Interesting enough, Move On, life is too limited to be wasted where u can't have a MUTUALLY rewarding experience a key point in ANY true friendship, even a good acquaintance.
BTW my current nearly full-time 'occupation' is to find a 'friend whom u can at least carry on interesting experience in at least ONE area of interest that YOU BOTH care about (game, sport, hobby, political economic spiritual or social issues) I don't expect more -- if we click on more than One area, great, but it's NOT a necessity.
I hope u go out looking for THIS kind of connection where BOTH of you will benefit. By YOU not doing it, YOU are also depriving the other of a possible rewarding encounter. That's what's so noble about Friendship is!
Good luck to you from a fellow man who is in the Octogenarian decade.

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Now just getting over an allergic reaction to a new medication. Had to call 911, but when all my vitals checked out okay I declined to be taken to the hospital. I was better the next day although somewhat weak. I do have a friend who also lives here in our 55+ community. We are leaving next Friday on a 10 day cruise of the Great Lakes. Way out of my comfort zone, but I am going. I called my former caregiver and she is coming one day next week to help me pack. When I get back I will be primed for a fight with the doctors because they don't read my record. I have learned how to always stick up for myself when I have to. I may be 88 but I know how to stand up to beaurocracy. Unfortunately we have so few doctors here I am stuck with them. Also there is a shortage of doctors in the U.S. mostly because of Covid.
Now that it is getting warm, when we get back I am going to try and start walking a bit more.
Thanks for the kind words.

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@thisismarilynb

Actually my best friend is an atheist. I am interested in religions but only as history, not to belong. I have been to different churches for events and they are okay but I would not consider going. I am not interested in the rituals. Too many are against women being in a position where they can preach, etc. I find this offensive. What I believe in most is The Golden Rule and I try to live that way.

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I actually wasn’t raised in any religion and havn’t gone to church for thirty-years! I have a very dear friend who is Muslim. For me, Christianity works! So many people say they are Christians and do horrible things. Your friend is probably a good person! Are you going with someone on the cruise? How fun… I sure hope it will be. It will, I’m certain be very difficult at times though. I just purchased a new home and am having fun decorating. New wood floors are going in on the entire main level and they sure are beautiful.😊

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@grammy82

This is Marilyn P. I'll be brief ~ I'm 83 and walked in your shoes as have many others. Please take steps to help yourself...I've learned nobody is responsible for my happiness except me. My sons are happy in their marriages and very busy. A therapist made me see that. For me, the first step was realizing I had value, although I wasn't raised that way. I truly pray you will reach out so you can have a better life. I paint watercolors at the Senior Center and there are older gals than I there that have overcome incredible obstacles.
Believe in yourself ....believe that you are worthy of a happier life but the first steps have to be taken by you. I know you can do it simply because of what you have survived. We have to let it go and take charge. My prayers💞

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I read your words and I know they are true - except I can't quite believe them. That is my problem. I was working with a therapist. She has a family emergency right now so I haven't spoken to her for a while. In the past I have tried a couple of times to go to a group which I thought might be interesting, but it just didn't work. The last time was with a Red Hat group. Went to a luncheon and just sat a table by myself. That's when I said never again. I also had a try at organizing. There was this theater that presented various artists - plays, musicals, etc. For a group we could get tickets at a reduced price. I called people, went to the theater to pick up the tickets, went to everyone's house to deliver the tickets and pick up the money. All I got was a thank you. They all made plans to go out to eat afterwards but I was not included. I did this several times and it always turned out the same, so I stopped. Not one person called to ask if there was another performance coming up. Hard to feel you are worthwhile with that kind of treatment. So, yes, now I am alone. However next week I am going on a cruise with one of the women who lives here. She is also a widow. Short cruise of the Great Lakes. Very nervous about it but I am going.

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@thisismarilynb

Now just getting over an allergic reaction to a new medication. Had to call 911, but when all my vitals checked out okay I declined to be taken to the hospital. I was better the next day although somewhat weak. I do have a friend who also lives here in our 55+ community. We are leaving next Friday on a 10 day cruise of the Great Lakes. Way out of my comfort zone, but I am going. I called my former caregiver and she is coming one day next week to help me pack. When I get back I will be primed for a fight with the doctors because they don't read my record. I have learned how to always stick up for myself when I have to. I may be 88 but I know how to stand up to beaurocracy. Unfortunately we have so few doctors here I am stuck with them. Also there is a shortage of doctors in the U.S. mostly because of Covid.
Now that it is getting warm, when we get back I am going to try and start walking a bit more.
Thanks for the kind words.

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Yea! I own a lot of lakeshore and 52 acres in Danbury, WI… 50 minutes to Duluth, MN and love to drive the route61 up to Canada! I am in the Twin Cities,MN at this time. You are a “Smart Cookie” so I don’t need to suggest to bring warm clothes! Seems to always be cold up there. Really difficult to find a truely good doctor. My mother passed away just under three years ago and she did her best to stay away from them. If she had at least been doing yearly blood work, her kidney failure could have been discovered earlier. Guess there has to be a balance and it sounds like you are doing well at that! Good for you not letting them tell you how your going to manage your health!😊👍

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@brutusthebear

I actually wasn’t raised in any religion and havn’t gone to church for thirty-years! I have a very dear friend who is Muslim. For me, Christianity works! So many people say they are Christians and do horrible things. Your friend is probably a good person! Are you going with someone on the cruise? How fun… I sure hope it will be. It will, I’m certain be very difficult at times though. I just purchased a new home and am having fun decorating. New wood floors are going in on the entire main level and they sure are beautiful.😊

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Actually I am going on the cruise with this friend. She was very helpful to me when I was in the hell called skilled nursing facility and picked me up and brought me home when I was finished there. I am glad Christianity works for you. It does not for me. I follow what is called Humanistic Judaism and I feel very comfortable there. It has everything I want and need. People need to find their own way. I don't like being preached at and I don't do it. I will answer questions about my faith, but would never ever suggest that someone should try it. I just say find out about it yourself. Have fun with your new house. When we moved into this house, I replaced the floor in the great room with Brazilian Tiger Wood. It really makes a statement.

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@grammy82

This is Marilyn P. I'll be brief ~ I'm 83 and walked in your shoes as have many others. Please take steps to help yourself...I've learned nobody is responsible for my happiness except me. My sons are happy in their marriages and very busy. A therapist made me see that. For me, the first step was realizing I had value, although I wasn't raised that way. I truly pray you will reach out so you can have a better life. I paint watercolors at the Senior Center and there are older gals than I there that have overcome incredible obstacles.
Believe in yourself ....believe that you are worthy of a happier life but the first steps have to be taken by you. I know you can do it simply because of what you have survived. We have to let it go and take charge. My prayers💞

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I just found a couple of your other messages. Thank you so much. I have so much to live for and I know that and now buying a house back in a suburban area and out of the woods is so wonderfully good for me. I moved up to my lake home about eight years ago in northwestern Wisconsin and summers are amazingly beautiful but winters are just horrid! I’ve been away from my son for a few days now and my mind has been clearing. I keep thinking that I can get him to quit drinking and I know that’s not true. I’m sorry to hear that you did not have a good childhood. The longer my parents are gone the more I appreciate everything they did for me. It was 1957 and they were both in their senior year of high school and found out my mother was pregnant! And my mother did not want to marry my father but they got married . He was a very successful businessman that started at precision machine shop and even had top-secret clearance with the government. And my mom was a flighty artist! What a funny couple and they were both alcoholics but not abusive. I Have been listening to Holocaust survivor testimonials the last couple of months and I am just amazed at how close the majority of these families were and how they survived through losing their loved ones or the majority of their loved ones.

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@grammy82

This is Marilyn P. I'll be brief ~ I'm 83 and walked in your shoes as have many others. Please take steps to help yourself...I've learned nobody is responsible for my happiness except me. My sons are happy in their marriages and very busy. A therapist made me see that. For me, the first step was realizing I had value, although I wasn't raised that way. I truly pray you will reach out so you can have a better life. I paint watercolors at the Senior Center and there are older gals than I there that have overcome incredible obstacles.
Believe in yourself ....believe that you are worthy of a happier life but the first steps have to be taken by you. I know you can do it simply because of what you have survived. We have to let it go and take charge. My prayers💞

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My mother was an oil painter and just plain had talent she was born with! Now, this new house is by a senior center and I would really like to do a Bob Ross class. Did you ever see him on PBS?
So enjoy talking with you and so appreciate sharing! Going to bed now and bless your night… you have made a difference in my life today…!🌺🧚🏻

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