I am touched by your posting, "Tired of living."
Many of us on Mayo Clinic Connect understand what you are experiencing. I have been plagued with ACE's (Adverse Childhood Experiences) my entire life until just recently. And I am 75 years old. I am telling you that it is never too late to blossom from the clutches of your verbally abusive childhood that has undermined your happiness. It is clear to me that you still possess your most important asset - YOUR MIND! You should be proud of that. That means that God is not done with you. You have so much to offer people. Your mental clarity and your eloquent style of expressing who you are shines through in your literary composition. I am perceiving that you are of GENIUS intellect. Am I right?
There is a therapy to help people with PTSD. It is called EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing). It's relatively new to the therapist's toolbox. But it is amazingly effective. It worked for me - and in just one session. Be cautioned that your therapist must be trained in the technique for it to be effective.
While this was a significant starting point in my lifelong journey from clinical depression, it was not until I reunited with my church that brought about complete healing. I have read your past posts, and I know that you are not of the Christian faith. But perhaps meeting up with some people who share the same beliefs as you would be of value. You are an amazing woman. And whether you realize it or not, you have helped many people on the Mayo Clinic Connect website. I wish you the best. You deserve it!