Hello @brandysparks

Thank you for your kind words. When I read your post I identify with you. We have very similar backgrounds.

Firstly, those people I refer to as trusting and the people I can be myself with at good and not such good times, believe it or not was through a CBT group I attended for some time. I made a promise to myself I would come forward and speak my truth no matter what because I know thats how I will help myself. So, in time it was trusting therapists, doctors and other people with my history etcetera. I was really broken, but healed. It can happen but it is hard work. It put me through the emotional ringer but I grew from that had epiphany’s here and there. I also after years of that, confided in and shared with my sister who does not have a problem with me speaking my truth (I was abused by a narcissist my recently deceased father, God rest his soul). I have the love of my life who has been with me every step of the way supporting me when I broke down.
Those people I say to “trust” are very hard to come by but through life I’ve been lucky and unlucky. Its a very lonely existence when you are left to pick up the pieces of your life. My mom I tread lightly. My sis gets it. She witnessed a lot of the abuse heaped on me. I came to terms with my dads passing and all that happened in our family and told him, “Dad, I don’t hold anything against you.” That was it. Simply said and holding much weight because I’d been carrying around baggage from the abuse for decades. Never able to confront him on it. I faced “Might makes right” and he was physically abusive and emotionally abusive for a long time. Suffice it to say, when you carry that much pain inside without ever being able to release it it eats away at your sense of self and inner wellness. Now that I let all that animosity and trouble go, I feel free. I also saw a different side of him that was a decent person. I regretted never giving him an opportunity to share because I feared.

I am so sorry to hear you are carrying a very heavy weight. Your sister is too. Even if she does not admit it, people like that I think suffer in other ways when they don’t allow themselves the opportunity to share with so much potential for healing. It’s too bad. But your letting that go is healthy for you to do. There was a time I could not talk to my sister. We were distant. I had to accept that was who she was and that was that. Accept I’d never have that kind of relationship. Then something happened, she went through a difficult time and leaned on me. That relationship blossomed and has been healthy ever since. You never know. One day your sister may approach you. You never really know what is going on in another’s head until they share it.

The one thing I really carried with me that I learned, was that never underestimate possibilities. She may go on the way she has because lets face it, it’s brutal dealing with this on the level. I’ve shed many tears missing family relationships because we were all just trying to survive. Only in our older days have we grown closer. To make it through all the dysfunction. It is possible. It won’t happen overnight. Its a long process depending on how repressed it all is. For me its taken many years to unearth and correct MY THINKING. CBT and DBT therapy works. If you could find one therapist that you could build a repor with someone maybe even let that person be the first one you really can open up with someone who can guide you on a journey of self discovery to be healthy and the best version of yourself. I hope you don’t mind me being this direct. It’s just what has worked for me and I thought we all were dysfunctional lost cases. Could not be further from the truth. Not everyone is on the same page seeing the narcissist because there were favorites and then there was me.

I appreciate what you have said to me. That was a kind thing to say. My sister and the love of my life have been the ones I’ve been able to share with when I’m down. Lets face it, its no difficulty being around happy people (I think).

So…therapists, the doctors, family (in time) helped me.

The only other thing that cbt and dbt therapy’s lack is a faith base. I could not go far without my faith in God and the Lord. I would not be alive today if I didn’t have it. Not everyone does but I’d highly recommend it.

I’m here if you ever want to bounce anything off me get my experience on it.

Much kindness and appreciation. I hope I made some sense in here and gave you something that is useful. I hope it gets better for you.

Oh, i almost forgot. Write your feelings down. Keep it under lock and key. I destroyed much I wrote because I didn’t want to rehash over a venting (too painful). But I do write poetry that is a way I cope with what life throws my way.

I’m glad you reached out. Good to meet you! 🙂 I am sorry this was so long. Hope you make it through it! 😊 ☀️ 🤗