Tired of living

@thisismarilynb I know you have been through a lot in the last 18 months. Have you spoken to your therapist about how you are feeling now? It seems like you have had a successful life after surviving a challenging childhood, and I wonder that your experiences might not help others.

I'm sorry you are having a bad period right now. What have you found today to smile about?
Ginger

Good Morning! I am sorry that you feel this way, but you must want some kind of contact as you reached out with your post. You are not alone. Maybe if I tell you a little about me you will see there are more of us out here.
I was abused by my step-father for about 6 years. Starting when I was 5. Never told my mother until I was 17. Went through a phase after that thinking that men were horrible and women were only objects. Did a lot of stupid things during that time! Met a wonderful man, whom I married and had my first 3 children with. He made me laugh almost every single day of our 15 years together! He passed from cancer a month after he was diagnosed. I had our 3 young children, 13, 10 and 9. I decided to be their friend instead of their Mom. I was only 33 at that time. Big mistake! More stupidity on my part for about a year. Met another wonderful man and we became a blended family. He also had a 5 year old. We then had 2 more children together. Start of a new wonderful time! 7 years later, my oldest son was murdered, he was only 22. My heart still hurts for him every day! This coming May 9th it will be 16 years ago. Still hurts! 3 weeks ago, I had a lung segmentectomy and breast implant removal all in the same operation. I found out in January of this year I had a cancerous lung nodule in my left upper lung, and have been living with stage 4 encapsulated breast implants for the past 25 years. I feel so lucky to be alive! I am only 58, but have been through so much and could have died so many times! God didn’t want me yet.
You seem to be of good mind, as you can get on the internet and connect with people. I would say for 88 years of age, that impresses me! I mean no disrespect, that is truly a compliment! My mother in law is 90 and she has been stricken with dementia, can barely get around, has no idea about the internet or technology, etc. Her husband passed away 22 years ago. She kept going! She loved bingo! She loved socializing with her few close friends. When she stopped all of that is when she fell into the dementia. Rapid decline! Are you mobile? Do you attend a church? Do you have other family to keep in touch with? Do you like art, or music? Somewhere you can go to a museum, etc.? I hope you will reach out to more people, do things you like to do, if not in public than maybe virtually. I pray that God blesses you and you find a reason to keep going. Enjoy your life while you’re here! Best wishes to you!
Cindy

This breaks my heart.
I too suffered a terrible childhood.
I have chronic pain .
I am very good at covering up the fact that I am miserable. ( Body and )
But the only way I am surviving- is by asking for God's help.
I think you need to be on an anti- depression med. Join a group for widows, join a church- there are widows groups at churches. I think you need to force your self. You might have many years left-
A senior center might be another way to get out- perhaps makes some friends.

I am sorry @thisismarilynb that you are suffering as you do.
I take care of my 84 year old neighbor who is terribly depressed and spends her days sitting alone in her chair in front of the television and/or sleeping. As someone suggested, you are able to get on the internet, and being able to do this is a very good way to discover many new and exciting things. Google Earth or their arts and culture application is a wonderful distraction, and might pique your interest. While my friend/neighbor loves music, she no longer plays her keyboard or listens to music, unless it comes on the television and she happens to like whatever is playing. She recently watched Joni Mitchell on PBS and went nuts with joy. YouTube also has some very interesting videos and things of that nature. I recently bought her a package of 3D playing cards with cats on them and I have not seen her so excited about something in months. Because of a lifetime of bad habits and not taking care of herself she is now suffering from dementia, which makes taking care of her even more of a challenge.
I hope that you have some interests. Is there a senior center in your area? The one located near me offers many classes for seniors such as art, music, even dance. I have been to one of their "groups" and everyone was so friendly, as they were there to enjoy themselves and meet others like them who wanted to enrich their lives.
Again, I am very sorry that you suffer as you do.

Just wanted to point out to you that right here in this connect, you have already connected with people who don’t know you, BUT do care about you as a person and want to see you do well! This is a really good place to share yourself, your feelings- good or bad- and someone is usually going to step up and try to give you encouragement or ideas you never thought of, or help you gain some confidence. Keep connected and let us know how you are doing! Let us know if you have questions or concerns because what I have seen on the many different groups I follow on here, Its more than likely you will get help of all kinds. Start smiling and then keep finding reasons to smile! A baby’s laugh, a beautiful flower, a gorgeous sunrise or sunset. We are worth it!

When I am depressed and surrounded by people I trust and who understand who I am, someone who accepts me as I am and as strong but someone who is vulnerable, and human with needs…Because even when I say, “I’m not feeing social” or “I’m not feeling well” that is when I truly need helpful, empathy and outreach.

Outreach I need Because when in the belly of the beast, it is hard to reach out or reach up when you are climbing for air to breath. Those who understand. When I am quietly depressed, they don’t tell you, “common mind over matter” or other such rubbish. The people who know me, know I’m like a clam sometimes I need quiet companionship, other times I might need to share.

Foremost, I don’t want to burden anyone. At the same time, if you know what I’m about you already know what I need and you will either help me knowing I need encouragement. I need to either talk or be silent until I break down. If I do, let me cry. If I cry hard. Let me do that too. Sometimes when life gives you lemons, they are another heavy bag to carry. This making lemonade when depression has set in just isn’t possible.

I don’t expect you to be my psychiatrist. But to let me be me. Be it the good, the bad and the ugly. With depression, I’ve read and heard it can be (repressed) anger turned inward. If I get angry, it’s not at you it’s my anger at something else and truth be told if I didn’t get help to unearth what needed unearthing I wouldn’t be where i am today.

I am grateful for…

developed-introspection that allows me to be honest with myself and others.

the moments I can sit in the sun and feel the suns warmth without the burn.

when I can smile, meaning it and not feel like I need to “fake it until I make it.”

when I don’t blame myself for feeling feelings by stuffing them deep down inside.

for the ability to feel gratitude.

for having my writing to express feelings, especially the deep ones. The ones that expose the soft underbelly that is soul.

for the strength to keep fighting to be the best version of myself.

Never give up the fight.

when you need support reach out. Even if its on a message board we are still people and can be supportive. I am so sorry you are feeling so poor.

I’ve been there and grieving for your lost time in your younger life and grieving for the lost relationship…we continue to grieve when we can’t let go. I learned I had to let go of the pain, hurt and abuse. I whispered to him, i don’t hold anything against you. And let him go. It hurt like hell. Sometimes there are other dimensions to a person that we don’t see (for whatever reason). It was a healing thing to do. I don’t feel anything was left unsaid.
🤗 💕

Thank you for your suggestions and comments. Yes there is a senior center where I live and, in fact, I live in a 55 plus community which also has groups. But here's the thing. I find it difficult and even impossible to go to them. I feel that there is this large neon sign on my head that says "see this person. She is alone because no one likes her." Of course my sane self knows this is not true, but that's the way I feel. My therapist told me that I was so traumatized by my abusive mother that I am now suffering from PTSD. Also I have no support group except all of you. I find it difficult to make friends. I can go out when necessary, to the grocery store, bank and library, but that's about it. I am still grieving for my husband and sometimes the pain is very dreadful. I just don't have the will to live any more.

Nothing. It was very foggy this morning and it ruined all my plans. The weather has an effect on me. One of my sons (I have two) phoned me, but it is only a duty call. We had a terrible falling out because he wouldn't let me come to my granddaughter's wedding because I would not be welcome. Those words hurt and they cannot be unsaid. We have patched up (sort of) our relationship, but I would not be surprised if I never see him again during whatever years I have left.

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as you can without surrender be on good terms with all persons. Speak your Truth quietly and clearly, and listen to others, even the dull and ignorant, they too have their story! Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexatious to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter: for there will always be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career however humble, it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is. Many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially do not veign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is perennial as the grass. Take kindly the council of years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you and sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle to yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the Stars; you have a right to be here! And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding exactly as it should.
Therefore, be at peace with god, whatever you conceive him to be. And whatever your laborers and aspirations and the noisy confusion of life, keep peace with your soul. With all its shame, drudgery, and broken dreams it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy!!!
-Max Ehrmann 1927

I sent an email to my therapist to arrange for an appointment. I think a lot of my problems stem from low self esteem. Even though I am told differently, I can still hear my mother's voice telling me how stupid I am. I want to talk to my therapist about how to get her voice out of my head.