Well, if anyone has risen from the dead, I think I have after getting some long needed sleep.
The discussion with my therapist on Friday went surprisingly well for me, I am not sure about her. After I told her that I wanted to end our work, after 10 minutes she wanted to know if we could just hang up the phone, at which I responded kindly, "no, I have a few things I need to tell you." I had met someone recently, another artist who wanted to befriend me, and when this woman started setting off alarms in my head, I decided that I did not want to pursue a friendship with her, especially considering my past history trying to meet new people. When I told my therapist about this woman, her first response to me was, "did she look like a man?" So when I told my therapist I was astonished and insulted by the comment she denied saying this. However, I told her that I take notes during our sessions, and she did indeed make this comment. Finally, an apology. I also told her that I did not sign up for Bible study, but rather some support that I badly need right now. Never mind this issue anymore, I will hopefully find a new person to talk to, a better and more open minded one.
It is interesting that you inquired how I was feeling today, because I was just at my art table, listening to music, and started crying. While I try to maintain such a positive outlook, give so much of myself to others without asking for anything in return, I just feel so sad for myself, for the uncertainty I face in not knowing how or why I suffer with all of these weird health problems, when prior I had lived such a healthy and active life: mountain biking, rock climbing, hiking and things of that nature. I took better care of myself.
Today everything feels like such an effort. While I can finally look at myself in the mirror without turning away, and actually received a compliment at the grocery store yesterday about how great I looked, I feel so forlorn. A friend and I had a discussion yesterday while being out and about. We are about the same age, and I told her I was going to quit my volunteer work at the Assistance League. I am not a quitter, so the decision to quit has been a hard one. However, I know it is not a good fit and never was. My friend said to me, "we don't know how much time either of us have left, so we have to take care of ourselves and forget about all of this help we give to others who do not give a you know what about us.'' She's right.
I try to live like my dog did, at the moment. Having said that, there are times when I want someone to pat me on the back and tell me that everything is going to be okay. I have a picture of my dog on the wall. It was one of the last pictures I took of her, and she is riding in the car on the way to the vet to be "put down." She loved riding in the car and had the biggest smile on her face, not knowing of course, that her smile would end in about 15 minutes. I look at this picture and feel such guilt, an overwhelming sense of loss. My doctor, now a friend, told me some time ago that perhaps there was a reason for her death, and I do believe there was. She knew I was sick, and perhaps that leap she took off of the sofa and broke her leg was fortuitous.
I have developed this other problem with my thought process and that is that everything I am doing is with such a sense of urgency, as though I do not have enough time left to accomplish everything I set out to do. In doing so, I am exercising some poor judgment, especially financially, when I have always been so responsible. My neurologist has told me that this is not uncommon, especially with the ongoing rapid weight loss, the stress of not knowing what exactly is wrong with me, and also the stress over family issues, such as my sister whose husband recently told her to move out and get an apartment. I don't know how she lives with that everyday, and wish I could help her in some way, but all I can do is bake bread and other things for her to take home when she comes over every week.
On a positive note my sister lives in an over 55 community, very upscale. They are hosting a craft fair in may for the residents, so my sister has invited me to come up with all of my handmade cards and set up a booth to sell them, along with some other things I have like lavender and rosemary that is currently hanging from my ceiling fan to dry. My apartment does resemble the artist's loft I always wanted. I am very excited about this, as I think I will get a very positive response. So, as you can imagine, I am burning the midnight oil, making cards, pressing and unpressing dried flowers. Churning them out like a factory worker. I will post one tomorrow when I get to the post office.
So, in a nutshell, today I am feeling sorrowful, but I know I will feel better when I go visit my 84 year old friend later for dinner. I actually found her the perfect gift yesterday, three dimensional cards with cats on one side. She wants to play cards later. Good, because I have been trying for weeks to get her out of her own depression. I will also study to get my driver's license renewed so that I can drive her around in her brand new sporty car. Her friend all but begged me to get my license, and for her I will. Besides that, the car is actually quite nice.
I apologize for this dismal note, but I figured it was safe to answer honestly.
Thank you very much for your ongoing kindness. Have a lovely day. It's going to be 75 degrees here; I hope it is warm or warmer where you are today.