How have benzos permanently affected my life? Let me count the ways. I was a professional at the height of my career in 2005, always a light sleeper with episodic sleep trouble, but I hit a really tough spot during the end of life process and death of my father. I now recognize this as sleep anxiety that grew from some nights with little or no sleep, for concern for my father. It grew into a full blown sleep disorder.

I was prescribed the magic sleep elixir, Clonazepam, no informed consent, no warning of risk for tolerance, dependence, cognitive or any other problems - take this pill and sleep will return. It did. I had NO IDEA what this pill was doing in my brain, was prescribed over and over again, no questions asked, by a revolving door of docs who came and went. It wasn't until I had been on it nightly for 10 years and was experiencing terrible sleep that my new PCP told me about benzos and dependence, tolerance and withdrawal. I was mortified. I tapered 1/3 of the dose slowly, and at great cost to my sleep and well being.

My sleep has worsened over time, reducing my quality of life, I have anxiety I never had before, I have a very depressed mood I never had before. I was tough as nails, now I cry all the time, I can't handle any stress, I can't calm myself, I have withdrawn from friends and family, I isolate, I have intense headaches, burning mouth, taste distortion, nausea, GI distress, significant not healthy weight loss, the list is long. In 2019, one week into my retirement, a new PCP told me I needed to stop taking clonazepam, at which point I began another slow taper. This one lasted two years, I stopped sleeping completely and was slammed with withdrawal. At the end of two years, I was still tapering, not close to the end of the taper but close to the end of my rope, I couldn't continue this way. A new PCP and my prescribing doc decided with me that the withdrawal process has permanently damaged/dysregulated my central nervous system, and now recommend continuing to take the drug as a "palliative" measure.

So I am trapped on a drug that no longer helps me sleep, in fact has damaged my sleep, but without which I simply don't sleep at all. Every pill I take I know is doing further damage, but the extended suffering of withdrawal is not compatible with life. I sleep some, but have many nights each week where the quality/quantity of my sleep is insufficient, so I live in a state of nearly constant sleep deprivation, which has had drastic consequences for my health, quality of life, well being, state of mind.
I get so low when I realize that this - shitty existence - is what my life will look like for the remainder of my days.
Can't work, can't play, can't eat, can't sleep...I missed every holiday with family this season because I was too sleep deprived to be any good. Giant anxiety and irritability, I'm actually afraid of escalating and going off on an undeserving relative so I stay home after a bad night. I stay home and think about dying. My three decade domestic partnership fell apart, so I live alone, for the best because I don't wish myself on anyone. Plenty of me time.
I attribute every single one of the above issues to taking benzos for way too long that they have injured my brain, which doesn't function great with them and hardly functions at all without them. I see no future for myself that doesn't involve suffering. I retired relatively young so I could fully enjoy my life after a 30 year career. I had plans. Now I can't even leave the house several days per week. Travel? Forget it. Another job? Can't do it. New friendships? I've alienated all the old ones because I'm not a good reliable friend and they don't understand why, so no, there are no new friendships. My family tries very hard to be supportive, but they see me falling apart before their eyes, and I'm not always easy to get along with. A burden on those I care for the most.

Since 2005 and the beginning of Clonazepam, I can see it so clearly now, I have evolved into a completely different person, one I barely recognize and don't care for at all. I grieve the loss of my old self - happy, funny, silly, curious, intelligent, ambitious, active, friendly, confident, reliable - she's gone. I am now working with a therapist to try and find some sense of value, meaning, purpose in this "new life" I didn't ask for and don't want, which bears almost no resemblance to the life I had before benzos.