@dabbs - I hope I didn't sound judgmental. I try to not be.

I do try. I've been trying for years, and I'm honestly exhausted from trying. I've swum through the "5 steps," which don't always happen in order, hundreds of times. The last three years have been especially difficult, and I experience all of these, often on a daily basis. It's disheartening, exhausting... it's a fight every day.

Sometimes new things do hurt. Each dashed hope is a new wound and another step towards giving up.

I'm tired of being told what to do when the directives don't actively help. I am not a "halfwayer" - if I do it, I do my best, all the way. I believe in giving things truly fair shots. But there's a point where it all feels (to me) more like "heal thyself" rather than "let me help you heal."

I just need someone to help me heal. Instead I'm "too complex," or too fat, or my condition is not in their wheelhouse (specialist siloing is a disgusting move in medicine, IMHO). My best medical resource is my psychiatrist - that is not how it should be. She helps me because nobody else will, connecting me to doctors other patients of hers have had good success with.

Interestingly, so far, none of them have been in big medical systems. The bigger the system, I theorize, the less likely you are to find the doctor who is able and willing to help you. At least that's how it is in my neck of the woods.

Everyone is willing to cut out my stomach, though. I may be too fat for surgery, but apparently that doesn't apply to slicing away half of a critical organ, nevermind I don't even eat 800 calories a day right now, and haven't for a very long time. Yet it is nearly every specialist's first suggestion, before we even talk about what I'm there for. When you get 15-20 minutes with a doctor, rehashing the "cut your stomach out" issue is a waste of my time. It can take 6 months to see a specialist - and I think many are more focused on their hospital's goals rather than the patents' goals and needs.