Connect
← Return to Ashamed: I think about (and plan for) dying. Do you?
Discussion
Ashamed: I think about (and plan for) dying. Do you?
Lung Cancer | Last Active: Aug 5 8:32am | Replies (213)Comment receiving replies
createyourownmerit - I like your positive attitude. I find that it is very difficult to maintain a constant high of living fully day after day after day. I've had lung cancer, as many of you know for 25 years and I have never been able to continuously live life to the fullest. I just plain wear out. And I do still think about my own death and my dying. And I'm still scared.
I am presently trying to recover from SBRT treatment for 2 lesions in my middle lobe from radiation. I developed pneumonitis and am having an awful time with prednisone and getting my O2 above 90 during activity. In a call with my doctor last night I blurted out, "am I dying?"
Until that time I must have been subconsciously thinking this. It really snuck up on me. I'm always surprising myself with what comes out of my mouth but that one really jolted me.
For some strange reason, I don't seem to feel shame because I've lived with this for so long but it can take time to get to this level. Shame goes away after time I think because the longer we or someone else lives the more that we realize that we don't need to. Does this make any sense?
Replies to "createyourownmerit - I like your positive attitude. I find that it is very difficult to maintain..."
Oh absolutely it makes sense!!! And good for you for asking “Am I dying?” You needed an answer for that and you asked. 👏 Your level of living life to the fullest may not look the same as someone who heads out and hikes for miles, but you can live life to the fullest by choosing options that are sedentary. Read/listen to a book that makes you think? Learn to play chess? And remember: every one of us has horrible days. Give yourself permission for that, too.
Thank you for your honesty.
@merpreb - makes total sense to me.
Really, we are all dying... most people just don't have a probable "how I'm going to die" diagnosis. I think it makes a difference. It did for me - I got very morose after watching my mom die of heart failure, and then 9 months later have my brother for hospice care, also for heart failure. Thank goodness my state has Death with Dignity, so I was able to stop thinking there. I felt like I had some control over how ill eventually die.
For me, the loss of control over my life has been debilitating. Medical professionals ought to be aware of those kinds of things. Each new diagnosis is a nightmare for a patient, but you get sent home to ponder and ruminate, with few resources- or, worse, they give outdated, incorrect information.
We are our own last defense.
Connect
I am overwhelmed by your post and all that you have suffered. But shame? Absolutely not. To make plans about your future life, whatever they are, is not shameful. It is showing good sense and consideration for your loved ones. Good for you and keep on walking - one foot in front of the other.