Being a Grandmother

@mir123 What a great question. As soon as I read your post, I knew I had to respond. My hunch is that there are many of us on this breast cancer blog who have grandchildren. I have 14. When I was diagnosed in Dec. 2019, I had 12, ranging from under one year old to age 11. I am very close to each of them (at that time, all lived within 1/2 mile of my husband and I, and we saw them almost daily). I knew I did not want to hide my cancer diagnosis from them, nor did I want to scare them. Much of what I did was influenced from my experiences as a child.

When I was 8, my grandfather died of cancer. I was left terrified of the word, because all I knew and associated with cancer was death. I did not see my grandfather while he was being treated, and only saw him at Mayo (Rochester) before he died. He was 6'5" and weighed about 120 pounds then. Even at almost 58 years old, I can close my eyes and still see his emaciated frame.

In my diagnosis and treatment, I was determined I would not have this experience for our grandchildren. I did not want them frightened of cancer for the rest of their lives.

The word "cancer" was used when I spoke to them, though I did not share where the cancer was located at (this detail was kept private). In the beginning, we spoke of the strong medicines I would have to take, that I would likely lose my hair, and that I might be tired a lot, with a weakened immune system, able to catch bugs easily. This was during Covid, so not physically seeing them as much was part of my journey. Children are walking petri dishes, and they soon learned that a runny nose or cough or sour tummy were grounds to stay away from their Gma. That was probably one of the most difficult things for me - not seeing the children often, but it was really a necessity while I was going through chemo. While they were not in our home a lot, we would meet outside at a distance (the next best thing!).

I shared my wigs and hats with them before I lost my hair - even asked if anyone wanted to try them on. Surprisingly, many of them did! even the boys, lol. We all talked about how fun it was to have different things to wear. I never frightened them with the seriousness of the disease, but always shared what I had to go through to get better. And most of all, we all prayed. The children have been raised in the faith of Christ, and continued (and still do) pray for me. When I was struggling with a reaction to the chemo, illness, or had upcoming dr. appts, the children knew about it, and continued to pray for me.

The children also saw me through five surgeries. Though I am not one to show them scars (I think visuals at this age can be very frightening), they knew I had these. They saw me move slowly, they took walks with me in recovery (holding my hands), and they helped clean my house at times. The children were actively involved in the process. On my last chemo day, we all met (all 20 of us) outside our home, held hands, prayed, and rejoiced. We took a photo in front of our home with our hands in the air, cheering! I wore Captain American stretch pants and shirt to my appointment that day. 🙂 I purchased the clothing for that long-awaited special time - and it was a glorious day. I can still remember the sun shining down on all of us that morning.

So, yes, I included my grandchildren in the process, but I did my best to share things that supported my goals: faith, not fear, and the realities of life - including, sometimes bad things happen. These are life lessons I wanted them to learn. I wanted them to be a part of my journey, not only for these life lessons, but because I NEEDED them. They played a role in my healing, just as sure as the chemo, surgery, and physicians did. It was okay to lean on that support, even in pint-sized quantities. :). I did not burden them with the harder things, of course, but I did not keep it from them when I was not having a good day.

God carried me in that season of my life. And He carried my grandchildren. Even today, one of my granddaughters carries a breast cancer rock (painted and hidden on the course) she found on a breast cancer awareness walk with me. She packs it in her bag for school every day. When her mother sent me this image, my heart was FULL.

We all need each other in this life. Everyone plays a role. And cancer does not have to be the victor. It can simply be a participant in life - and many of us have to walk with it for a season. I would rather not give cancer the ruling force in my life, and I wanted my grandchildren (and children) to know the Lord determines my days - not cancer.

We can't always change the circumstances in our lives, but we can be in control of how we move through those trying times. I thank God for the way He helped me travel through mine - bumps and all. My grandchildren were a source of strength and encouragement for me. To be so, they needed to be included, and not stand in my periphery. What a joy. 🙂

Stay the course. Stay well. You can do this. Hugs.

My decision was made for me. My grandchildren live about 2 1/2 hours away so I see them about once a month. When I was diagnosed and it was known that I would lose my hair and have surgery, my daughter in law told them, even though they were young (6, 4 and 2). She used the “C” word and did not try to sugar coat it. She is a pediatrician and also a very pragmatic person.

I always wore a wig when I saw them (I am NOT one of those people who looks good bald or even with a bandana). They joked with me and wanted to see me without so I took it off for them a time or two. Then they liked to tease me about it-affectionately.

Even though I was surprised that my DIL was so forthright with her young children, I guess it made things easier going forward. I went from them knowing me as a brunette grandma with shoulder length hair to a wig wearing granny to one with short silver hair as it began to come back.

So do what’s comfortable for you and your loved ones.

Best wishes to you, Cindy

@mir123
At the time of my chemo, my granddaughter was about 4 and my grandson was about 2 -- he was a 2 lb preemie at birth so his sister had already been through being at the NICU daily. My daughter-in-law who is a teacher and my son who is a firefighter talked to the children...when they first came to see me after chemo was started, I was wearing a knit cap to hide my bald head. I remember them being very quiet and just watching me. I just asked, well, did you want to see my head? Yes, was the reply so I took my cap off and said they could touch my head. After the giggles and the reassurance that their granny was all right, they were back to regular play time with the play kitchen I have set up in the house. My feeling is kids are smart and just want to know you love them still with all the changes you are going through. If you treat them with respect and love, you get much respect and love back.

This is a wonderful post--thank you for giving so much. I'm second generation in a Russian Jewish immigrant family. My maternal grandparents died at the ages of 70 and 72--they seemed ancient! They suffered from TB, malnutrition as children, and more. But they were very warm and giving--my sister &I spent every Friday night at the their house. My grandmother didn't speak a lot of English, but she communicated love and totally spoiled us. When she died, my grandfather came to live with us. I knew he was very frail and ill but he was also very funny and available--full of jokes and even advice. I was worried he'd die--and he did--but when I look back on this it wasn't too scary. Somehow my grandparents made death seem natural and not at all like they were leaving on purpose. I love how your experience now helps you with your own grand-kids. I feel like we are "in" our grad kids whether still on this earth or not. Thanks so much--I loved reading your post.

Thank you--so helpful to read. I understand about your daughter-in-law. My son-in-law is a lot more honest & open than I was as a parent--maybe generational. He just wants me to be honest if I feel sick--not overly detailed but straightforward. We've had some good conversations, and he is a great guy.
My daughter and I work together (yes, we fight!) as an artistic team doing public art installations, book arts, and more. My cancer is now part of our process. All these relationships are delicate and need my respect. But my grand daughter cheers me up the way only a delightful four year old can--so lucky. Thanks again.

You said it all-- My feeling is kids are smart and just want to know you love them still with all the changes you are going through. If you treat them with respect and love, you get much respect and love back.
Wonderful thoughts!

I had breast cancer 30 years ago with 3 young children- 11,9,5. I’m a pediatrician- just like @cmdw2600 daughter- in- law.
I explained everything according to their level of understanding. They saw me sick from the chemo for 6 months. My 9 year old thought I would die and slept in my room every night during chemo, the 11 year old understood that I was sick because of the medicine and would be well after it was done. The 5 year old boy seemed ok with the explanation.
It was frightening for them to see me get violently ill. However, at the time we had a young puppy in the house who recently had been spayed. When she came back from the vet she was sick and vomited a lot from the anesthesia. I just explained that I was sick just like the puppy but I was going to get better. That explanation worked well to relax them.

I appreciate how bold and honest you were able to be. It must have helped everyone--probably to this very day. When my daughter was six her dad, my first husband, died after surgery. I was as direct as possible, but I did not share the depth of my grief with her as that felt private. I wanted her to feel she still had a grown-up in charge. Now my daughter is 34, her daughter is four, and I want to neither hide my breast cancer nor unduly burden my grand-daughter. But she is a flexible child with a lot of extended family--and knows that ways of doing things vary from household to household. These comments are supportive--I'm working on being myself with her now as I usually do.

@mir123
I’m so sorry that your daughter lost her father at such a young age. You are right, she knew you were still there- in charge.
Kids are extremely flexible and can handle the truth explained according to their age.
I think my kids were also reassured that I was going to be ok because I continued to work. Stupid of me! I worked 2 weeks then off 2 weeks after chemo.
I’m amazed I didn’t get sick from my pediatric patients.
I’m now moral support for one of my daughters who has been going through a lot of breast monitoring with MRIs etc because she was found to have a genetic mutation making her more at risk for breast cancer and other cancers. I was just tested myself and I was normal. The mutation must be from her father’s side. Plus the risk of me, her mother, having breast cancer - double whammy.

I'll add that our pediatrician was incredible at the time. She saw in ways that I didn't at first that my young daughter and I could function as a team even though our roles were also clear.
All best to you, your daughter, and the rest of the family.