My heart goes out to you and I so recommend you read Mentor Scott’s reply as often as you need to, every day, every hour. You can do this, because you have to do this, there is no one else to steer the ship of your household.
First- make an appointment with an attorney to get all legal documents in order while your husband is competent to sign them (wills, power of attorney, advanced directives). The lawyer can also advise you as to financial set-up recommendations for the future.
First #2- quietly take over the financial part- gather the paper bills, take them to your bank branch and they will help you set up online banking. I quietly pay almost all our bills from the bank app on my phone. The ones that don’t allow that (local taxes, water bill, etc), I call and ask when the bills come out and mark in my calendar book to call and ask for the amount due if I haven’t seen the paper bill (my husband would collect the mail and leave it “around”). Those bills can be paid with the bank app online too- they send the paper check. You can see the statements online on your phone or quietly take the checkbook and keep it in your purse. My husband didn’t even notice it was gone. Also consider putting as much as you can on automatic pay from your checking account or a credit card- I did that with our house, auto, and health insurance- didn’t want to take the chance those would get missed. They send you an e-mail when the deduction or charge is made.
Next- VERY IMPORTANT- if you aren’t on online banking already, get the paper bills for your husband’s credit cards, download the card apps on your phone, and set up online accounts. Go to the Alerts setting and choose any charge over $1.00. It’ll send an alert to your phone if the card is used- my husband started buying and buying online. You can set a purchase limit online but it’s usually kind of high. Stopping card purchases isn’t hard if you have to- I tapped on the card apps that the cards were lost, they sent new ones, I didn’t activate them, lots of power tools and shady health supplements later. I told him the cards had been hacked, you can get fixed dollar amount gift cards at the grocery store, so “we’re safe from hacking”. If your credit cards are joint with him, I strongly recommend you call and tell the companies you want your own cards and to be taken off as an authorized user of the joint ones. No explanation is necessary- Suze Orman suggests this in her best-selling books as a good thing for women to do, so the companies are used to these requests.
Next- to be prepared- make sure any car titles are in both your names in case you need to sell “his” car or transfer the title to your son, when he’s not competent to sign or doesn’t understand it has to be done and refuses to sign.
Warning Alert: it will feel weird and dishonest to use these quiet ways of working around your husband’s cognitive deficits, BUT you have to protect the financial well-being of your household and he is now, or will be, NOT capable of doing so. Being completely up front about his inabilities and difficulties to continue and your need to step in, is in my opinion, more harmful and hurtful than just quietly doing it. If he does notice, a cheerful smile and deflection is much more respectful and keeping of his dignity, he probably doesn’t think it’s more than just some memory problems- personal insight and MCI don’t travel together, ever!
Finally, this will be hard to think about doing, but you mention a mortgage, I decided to try to pay off our mortgage as fast as possible as future income potential was now up in the air, I got permission to start my full-time job at 7am (I had considered getting a paper route), got two part time jobs- went to the first one after the full time one, home by 6:30, went to the next job on Saturdays. When I was within striking distance, I cancelled my life insurance and took the payout- my youngest was a young adult, I figured I would save up after for my burial costs. It took three years, but I did it- the mortgage and car loans are paid off and we are debt-free, it’s a huge relief. I figured I was only going to get older and he was only going to get worse. He was safe on his own in the house while I worked, but how soon wouldn’t he be? Time to make the donuts 😊
Yes- you can do what has to be done. You can and will be the rock for your family. Scott’s phrase of “Strength, Peace, Love” is an excellent daily mantra for us all.