Hello, @milomiles I commend you for the courage of your post!

As caregivers we always know more about what our loved one is going through in changes than we like to admit, I think. At least that was true with my wife and me. Driving was a tough one, but I also know it was crucial for my wife to stop long before she thought she should. There are too many dangers on the road to have impaired drivers out there. I also had to take over all finances in order to protect what we had left. Again, it was too important to allow her to continue with that work for the family. Thankfully we also did all of our end-of-life planning early, which turned out to be critical as she suddenly was not competent to sign those kinds of legal documents.

All I can say about the future is it is not promised to anyone, nor are we guaranteed our early dreams of how it "should" be. We can only celebrate that we have the future we do. While terribly hard to embrace, I believe it is important to celebrate what we have day by day.

As far as talking about my wife's condition, it was her desire to not share any of the specifics of her journey beyond immediate family and just two friends. Others find it therapeutic to publish their journey and/or share it widely. That was just not her style. Because of how my wife's mental capacities deteriorated, most of our friends ghosted on us, so that took care of itself. I do believe as a caregiver it is far too debilitating and exhausting to try and cover up the shortcomings of our loved one. To us, honesty was the best policy, especially as the demands of caregiving escalated more and more and demanded all of my available energy an time. Caregiving becomes all consuming and trying to pretend reality isn't real just adds to the exhaustion of caregivers. I also made sure we gave HIPPA approval to my wife's doctors t to share directly with our adult children. This helped me not have to be the constant communications hub and they were sure to get exactly the same information I was getting from the doctors.

Thank you for posting and please feel free to ask any questions or remind me if I missed things from your post.

I wish you Strength, Courage, & Peace

Your situation sounds so much like ours. Been married 49 years and I’m just not sure the right path to take - let things continue as they are, or seek more help, possibly get a very scary diagnosis for which little medical help is possible, and demoralize someone who has been so strong all his life, even further. He is aware of his memory issues…ran his own company, always handled our finances, and I now am doing the same thing you are…following along, trying to be sure bills are paid and commitments are fulfilled. I have no advice for you, only a hug.

My heart goes out to you and I so recommend you read Mentor Scott’s reply as often as you need to, every day, every hour. You can do this, because you have to do this, there is no one else to steer the ship of your household.
First- make an appointment with an attorney to get all legal documents in order while your husband is competent to sign them (wills, power of attorney, advanced directives). The lawyer can also advise you as to financial set-up recommendations for the future.
First #2- quietly take over the financial part- gather the paper bills, take them to your bank branch and they will help you set up online banking. I quietly pay almost all our bills from the bank app on my phone. The ones that don’t allow that (local taxes, water bill, etc), I call and ask when the bills come out and mark in my calendar book to call and ask for the amount due if I haven’t seen the paper bill (my husband would collect the mail and leave it “around”). Those bills can be paid with the bank app online too- they send the paper check. You can see the statements online on your phone or quietly take the checkbook and keep it in your purse. My husband didn’t even notice it was gone. Also consider putting as much as you can on automatic pay from your checking account or a credit card- I did that with our house, auto, and health insurance- didn’t want to take the chance those would get missed. They send you an e-mail when the deduction or charge is made.
Next- VERY IMPORTANT- if you aren’t on online banking already, get the paper bills for your husband’s credit cards, download the card apps on your phone, and set up online accounts. Go to the Alerts setting and choose any charge over $1.00. It’ll send an alert to your phone if the card is used- my husband started buying and buying online. You can set a purchase limit online but it’s usually kind of high. Stopping card purchases isn’t hard if you have to- I tapped on the card apps that the cards were lost, they sent new ones, I didn’t activate them, lots of power tools and shady health supplements later. I told him the cards had been hacked, you can get fixed dollar amount gift cards at the grocery store, so “we’re safe from hacking”. If your credit cards are joint with him, I strongly recommend you call and tell the companies you want your own cards and to be taken off as an authorized user of the joint ones. No explanation is necessary- Suze Orman suggests this in her best-selling books as a good thing for women to do, so the companies are used to these requests.
Next- to be prepared- make sure any car titles are in both your names in case you need to sell “his” car or transfer the title to your son, when he’s not competent to sign or doesn’t understand it has to be done and refuses to sign.
Warning Alert: it will feel weird and dishonest to use these quiet ways of working around your husband’s cognitive deficits, BUT you have to protect the financial well-being of your household and he is now, or will be, NOT capable of doing so. Being completely up front about his inabilities and difficulties to continue and your need to step in, is in my opinion, more harmful and hurtful than just quietly doing it. If he does notice, a cheerful smile and deflection is much more respectful and keeping of his dignity, he probably doesn’t think it’s more than just some memory problems- personal insight and MCI don’t travel together, ever!
Finally, this will be hard to think about doing, but you mention a mortgage, I decided to try to pay off our mortgage as fast as possible as future income potential was now up in the air, I got permission to start my full-time job at 7am (I had considered getting a paper route), got two part time jobs- went to the first one after the full time one, home by 6:30, went to the next job on Saturdays. When I was within striking distance, I cancelled my life insurance and took the payout- my youngest was a young adult, I figured I would save up after for my burial costs. It took three years, but I did it- the mortgage and car loans are paid off and we are debt-free, it’s a huge relief. I figured I was only going to get older and he was only going to get worse. He was safe on his own in the house while I worked, but how soon wouldn’t he be? Time to make the donuts 😊
Yes- you can do what has to be done. You can and will be the rock for your family. Scott’s phrase of “Strength, Peace, Love” is an excellent daily mantra for us all.

Another suggestion- if your husband is still working, let his employer handle whatever from their end. They will be the ones to notice what he is having difficulty with and the ones to decide what to do about it. They will try increased supervision and action plans, but will not ask him or you for a diagnosis as this opens them up to being responsible for possible ADA requirements of “reasonable accommodation”. Let it play out as long as it can, keep those paychecks coming, don’t resign without a good severance (6 months pay and health insurance?) 🙂 Be patient.

I discovered, as you did that we had fallen behind on a bill pay, it wasn't his fault, it was the health care that we were using, but it opened my eyes to many other areas. I finally had to take him off face book, google e-mail and Amazon and find a way to get that stopped, "snail mail" did more for us than anything on the internet. First we paid bills together on line, then I had to take over and pay by check, i tell him and remind him. He forgot so much, He lost his passwords and his computer was too important to just let all this pass by. I could not take it from him, so i chose what he could use. But, at first had to stay in room when he was on computer to protect us.

Don’t be sorry for the long post you are not alone in the journey. And I bet you felt better releasing the tears. Sometimes I go downstairs to do laundry or take a shower when I need a good cry. There’s nothing wrong with it ! I’m sure your son needs to understand what is going on as well. Not easy seeing it unfold….Jane