It has been a long time since I was last on here. Life has been really hard especially this last year. My mother died the day before my birthday on August 2nd with me by her side. She died needlessly and I failed her. It is only me and my brother and he lives in a different province so I have been the one responsible for ensuring she was cared for properly at her Nursing Home. There were problems within a few months of her moving in, major issues and I should have took action sooner! I failed her and now she is dead and most days I want to be with her! The feeling is not as strong now a days mainly due to my boyfriend having a stroke a month afterwards and he needs me. I forced myself to continue working until just before Christmas when I became sick myself so now I am on a sick leave.

I feel alone and full of rage and guilt and grief with no one to talk to. I am struggling with nightmares, intrusive thoughts, suicidal ideation and so much anger at myself. I have fibromyalgia as well as c-PTSD and addictions(in recovery).

I don’t know why I am writing on here! No one can bring her back, nor take away the pain. I failed her when she needed me to get her out of there! The day before she became ill I had finally gotten her on the transfer list to move her to another home! There lack of care not only killed her but robbed me of my chance to say goodbye or comfort her. I was told she had a mild chest infection and was resting comfortably on Friday and Saturday then when I go to visit on Sunday she is on oxygen and barely responsive! And because they had “accidentally laundered mom’s hearing aids” the week before, she died unable to hear me tell her it was okay! We had 5 MINUTES before she was given pain medication and became totally unresponsive, just breathing until that Tuesday. My brother was on the flight home when she died

I know she was ready to go but I am not ready for her to be gone! She was severely abused as a child and as a result was diagnosed when I was a child with what at the time was called Multiple Personality Disorder. For many years we had a difficult to non-existent relationship until I was an adult in my 30’s and we were able to reconnect and heal the hurts from the past. I finally had my mom, I finally felt loved and liked. He last thing I said to her before she stopped breathing was that she broke the cycle of abuse! She was the reason her grandchildren and great grandchildren had a childhood! My mom was far from perfect but she was one of the strongest women I have ever known!